Kokoro no Hitan
by Tigress of the Moon
Summary: Kagura, upon realizing just how deep Kyo's love for Tohru is, gets thrown into a state of depression that seems to get worse with each passing day. As her heart ache increases, her willingness to live plummets. Even Tohru can't seem to save her now.
1. Entry 1

A/N & Disclaimer: This is a Kagura fanfic! At this point, I have absolutely no idea where it's going! I just felt like writing one, because all I could think about at the end of the series was, "What about Kagura, she's gotta know how Kyo feels!!" So this is just my interpretation of what happens with her after the anime ends. And Fruits Basket belongs to its respected owners. (This diclaimer applies to all other chapters as well).  
  
Kokoro no Hitan  
  
Kyo was finally happy. I could see it in his eyes. That girl, Tohru Honda, had warmed him in a way that I never could. Maybe, in his past, he sought my hand for comfort, but today I watch in hidden agony the way he smiles warmly when he's with her, the way he looks at her when she's turned her head.  
  
Of course, everyone who lives at Shigure's house has never noticed just how many times I've walked there and then walked back, maybe after seeing Kyo laughing with Tohru as she was hanging up laundry, or just talking on the side porch. Everything's been different since she saw him, since she saw Kyo's true form.   
  
He's opened up to her like he's done to no body else, not to me, not to Shigure, not even to his own teacher.   
  
Of course, they all probably expect me to still go after Kyo, because I'm a boar. Stubborn and all...  
  
Don't get me wrong! I still love him. More than he'll ever know, but there's no use loving him now. He doesn't need me, and I'll just be hurting him if I try to get between him and Tohru.  
  
Maybe I shouldn't've let her go after him, maybe I should've gone after him myself, or maybe I should've went with her.  
  
It doesn't matter. It's too late now. Or...maybe...Maybe it's always been too late.  
  
I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.  
  
I overheard Tohru once, though, as I was walking to Shigure's house.  
  
She said something like, "Hey, Kyo, did you notice that Kagura hasn't been to visit in a really long time?"  
  
Kyo laughed. "Yeah, huh? Isn't that great! I can finally relax without having to worry about her stalking me!!"  
  
I cried all the way home.  
  
Of course, there was no one to rescue me from the endlessly pouring rain. No one to comfort me as I transformed and flew off into the woods. And no one came to look for me when I had been gone for three days without a word to anyone.  
  
When I finally came back, I though Akito was going to be angry. I was wrong. She had changed him too. He was still a little prone to anger, but his jealousy had subsided tremendously.  
  
I had to go to him to excuse myself of my absence.  
  
"Where did you go?" he asked, not sounding too concerned as he lay on the floor, a small white bird sitting on his hand.  
  
"Um..I..," I had been looking at him, but then I looked at the floor. "Into the forest, Akito-san."  
  
A small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "I see. No one can totally cure the curse of the Sohmas," he had said, as he got up and walked onto the porch. "You must deal with your pain."  
  
"Thank you," I had said, and then I got up to leave.  
  
But I heard him mumble something before I totally shut the door. "But that girl, Tohru, has somehow found a way to lighten the curse."  
  
Tears welled up in my eyes. I felt ashamed at my anger towards her.  
  
Here, everyone was happy with Tohru. She had taken burdens off so many hearts. Maybe it was different for me, because I am female, and those who seemed most relieved were all the males. Maybe. But I wasn't sure. And I'm still not.  
  
Occasionally I take walks by Shigure's house. After all, the Sohmas own acres around it. Many times I've looked at the house from trails no one uses anymore. And I sigh as I look at Kyo's bedroom window.  
  
He just doesn't understand. I always think. I just don't know why he can't understand. We're so...alike.  
  
And then I'd drag myself back home and collapse crying on my bed, the pain just too much.   
  
It really isn't that I'm angry at Tohru. After all, I can see in Kyo's eyes that he loves her, that she lifted so much pain from him. And I'm not exactly jealous either. I pretty much knew that I could never be the one Kyo truly loved.  
  
But still. It hurt so much. And the pain just won't go away.   
  
And now I'm lost, and I don't know what to do.  
  
-Kagura Sohma 


	2. Entry 2

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
I got desperate today. I just couldn't take not being able to tell anyone anymore.   
  
Of course, Akito knew the problem, but I couldn't very well turn to him for support! He would never understand, so I turned to Hatsuharu.  
  
He was the only person I could think to turn to. Momiji, though he isn't that young, unlike Kisa and Hiro, doesn't seem mature enough to understand. And when I had talked to Yuki about not going after Kyo, I could tell that he didn't understand either. Or maybe it just seemed like he didn't. I don't know...Everything has become blurred by my tears recently...  
  
Anyway, Ayame is...well, Ayame, and I seriously don't think he would've taken it right, plus he's too old, like Shigure and Hatori, not to mention Hatori already has a lot of old pain on his shoulders. And Ritsu...Ritsu's still getting over the "I'm sorry! It's all my fault!" problem. He didn't need this weight on his back as well.  
  
Which left Hatsuharu.  
  
Even though I've never really been that close to him, he didn't seem too surprised when I collapsed, a crying mess, into his chest. He loosely embraced me until I regained my composure and could sit down next to him. He didn't mind, said I could cry, and that he would listen. I nodded, thanked him, and told him everything.  
  
"I can't take this anymore. I feel like this pain is going to eat me away from the inside out! I...just..don't know what to do..." I hung my head down where I sat next to him, my bangs hiding my eyes, but tears still visible as they silently slid down my cheeks and onto my hands. Hands that were clenching tightly the fabric of my skirt. "I'm...lost...so lost." My knuckles turned white.  
  
-Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I had stopped by Shigure's house a few days earlier to say "hi" to Yuki and everyone and I by chance had walked in on a somewhat distubing conversation.  
  
"Maybe I should celebrate that that boar is finally gone," Kyo had said, laughing and smiling.  
  
All Tohru could do was smile. "Ano...Hai," and she nodded her head. I could see from her expression, though, that she was worried.  
  
"Ohayou," I had said as I joined them on the back porch.  
  
"Ah, ohayou, Haru-kun, what brings you here?" Shigure asked me.  
  
"Nothing really. I just wanted to say 'hi' to Yuki." I looked at him and he gave me the normal analyzing stare. "Ohayou," I said to him, face expressionless of any motive.  
  
"Ohayou," Yuki had said back.  
  
"Nee, Haru-san, why don't you join us for lunch?" Tohru asked me with a smile.  
  
I responded with, "Sure, I'd love to."  
  
It was then that the whole story slowly trickled out. Kyo was elated to finally notice that Kagura hadn't come to see him in three weeks, when three days was seriously pushing it. Kyo, being as oblivious to other people's emotions as he was, had no idea what the cause to this might be. Tohru's expression told me that she was a bit conserned, although she kept trying to hide it.  
  
And this was all the background I needed as an explanation to why Kagura had come to me for help. I should've known she would've been stubborn enough to try to deal with it all on her own and not seek anybody else for help. Then again, she didn't really have that many sources to turn to. And now that I think about it, she probably always kept all of her emotions locked up inside. That would explain her rapid mood swings and the way poor Kyo looked when she was done with him. She was always sorry, though. You could tell from the look on her face. But Kyo never noticed. He was as blind as a worm to her emotions.  
  
"Nee, Kagura. You can tell me anything, I'm listening."  
  
-Hatsuharu Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I felt like I had sat there for hours without saying a word and still the tears wouldn't stop. I kept asking myself if I really wanted to tell him anymore, if this had been a good idea to begin with.  
  
"K-Kyo...He..He has no idea..." I felt another tear drop onto my hand. My fingers were starting to go numb. "He's so...clueless...How could he not realize how I'd react to all this? Why doesn't he notice me the way he notices Tohru....He noticed me once...A long time ago...but now it's as if I'm not a part of his world anymore, or maybe a part he wishes was never there...He-" A lump caught in my throat as I thought, He doesn't remeber how I supported him. How I loved him, accepted him for who he was, who he is. "He's forgotten everything. He doesn't even see me anymore."  
  
-Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I didn't know what to tell her. She seemed so lost and alone, and I knew that no matter what I told her, whatever words of condolence I said, would mean nothing coming out of my mouth. She wanted to hear from Kyo. She wanted him to say he was sorry for what he had done, that he liked her, at least as a friend. She wanted him to smile at her, to acknowledge what a nice, caring person she was again. She wanted him to realize just what her love for him meant. Maybe she didn't even realize this, but I could tell that's what she wanted.  
  
"Tell him."  
  
-Hatsuharu Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I looked up so fast me head hurt. Now he could definately clearly see the tears in my eyes, pouring down my swollen face.   
  
"NANI?? You want me to TELL him? HOW??...How?" A lump of tears nestled itself in my throat. I lowered my head back down.  
  
"You used to be able to tell him how you felt before, why not now?" Haru said.  
  
"I...I don't know if I can." Fresh tears poured from my eyes.  
  
"Try." He put his arm around me. "That's the only thing you can do now. I can't tell you the things you want to hear, the things you want, need him to say. You need to talk to Kyo."  
  
I had looked up at him and smiled. He was too right.  
  
"But..I don't know if I can do this...on my own." And that was the truth.  
  
"I'll help as much as I can."  
  
"Arigatou," I said, as I put my arms around his neck and hugged him.  
  
"No problem." He hugged me back.   
  
So soon I will be going to talk to Kyo, and ask him those questions I so desperately need to hear him answer.  
  
  
  
-Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: Did anyone else realize these are almost like journal enteries? That's just how they came out, really. I was only going to do it from Kagura's perspective, but then I realized just how hard that would be, so I added in Hatsuharu. I might need to add in more people as well. But we'll see. Once again, I still don't know where this fic is going. 


	3. Entry 3

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
I didn't wear my neko backpack as I journeyed to Shigure's house with Hatsuharu. I was so nervous I was like a little kid, and almost asked Haru if I could hold his hand, but then thought better than that, and gathered my strength.  
  
When we were within sight of the house I could feel the sweat building on my palms. They had become very clammy from my being anxious and nervous. Of course I wanted to know what Kyo's response to my questions would be, but the question was, did I really want to hear it? Even now I'm still not sure if I would've been better off not knowing.  
  
I walked behind Hatsuharu up until we reached the front door, so Kyo wouldn't run and hide when he saw that I was there. Haru was the one who went in first and asked if Kyo could come outside.   
  
I peeked over the side of the door way and saw the confusion on Kyo's face as he walked towards him and then as Haru motioned for him to come outside. Then the door closed and Kyo didn't notice me until he was standing practically next to me and Hatsuharu pointed.  
  
I smiled as a look of terror came over his face, but only a small one, and it only lasted a moment. Not even a whole second.  
  
"Gomen, nee, Kyo-kun, for bothering you like this, demo, there's something I have to ask you." I was looking down at this point, at my hands.   
  
I looked up into his eyes when I started to ask him what was deepest on my heart. "Nee, Kyo-kun, do you hate me?"  
  
He tried answering right away. His mouth opnened, but no words came out. He didn't know what to say. Then he started looking at me as if trying to analyze my motive, or maybe he was trying to figure out if I would flip out on him if he didn't answer me "correctly."  
  
It was here that I noticed that Hatsuharu had already slipped away, and was probably inside the house now talking to Yuki.  
  
"Kagura. I don't...I don't hate you...It's not that, it's more like...More like you just get on my nerves sometimes...And that I don't understand...Why you like me so much."  
  
He was being sincere, I could tell, but then he looked away, like he felt guilty or something. Maybe it was then that the tears started to build up in my eyes.  
  
"Sou, ka?...You love Tohru, don't you...Kyo?"  
  
He blushed again as his head swung forward to look at me. "Chiga-"He stopped. He knew he was lying to himself. I could see it on his face. He looked down, at his feet, his face blushed an even darker shade of red.   
  
He couldn't admit it.  
  
"I-...I...see." I said, trying to told back tears.  
  
I pulled back the sliding door. "Hatsu-" My voice stopped in almost a squeak. A lump was caught in my throat.  
  
Kyo put his hand on my arm, the one I was using to support myself from falling into the doorway, not the one that was still pressed against the open door. I ripped my arm out of his grasp. Don't touch me! I screamed inside my head, but the words just didn't come out. Like Hatsuharu. Hatsuharu didn't come out of the house fast enough, and I couldn't take it anymore.   
  
I ran. I turned and ran. I ran as fast and as hard as I could.  
  
"Nee, Kagura!" I heard Haru call out behind me. "Matte!"  
  
Iee, I thought. Iee. The tears felt like they would never stop and the ever-growing lump in my throat made me want to scream, which I might have done, I really don't remember. All the trees on either side of me blurred into a giant pool of mixed green watercolors, and the only thing I could hear were my sobs and my sniffling to keep my nose from running. All I could feel was the aching pain in my heart that was flooding out into my chest and pumping through my whole body, an all encompassing pain that grew with every step. A pain that reminded you every moment you sought to escape from it that you were alone, and that this pain would stay with you for as long as you were alive.  
  
-Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~ 


	4. Entry 4

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
I don't remember specific details after that. I remember getting lost and wandering around for hours until I finally got out again, not caring or worrying about my situation at all as I did so. I remember walking by a blurry form that looked and sounded like Haru, but my mind was so closed at this point that I might have just been imagining it.  
  
And then I remember being in my house, and the soft, comforting feeling of my bed under my body as I passed out, tears drenching my face and still pouring out of my eyes.  
  
I woke up when the light of a fresh dawn poured in through my window. The soft rays of that sun brough a smile to my face, but only for as long as it took my thoughts to regroup and for me to remember just what exactly had happened mere hours before, and why I was still in the same clothes I had been the day before.  
  
Once again tears came forth, and my chest that hurt from sobbing yesterday hurt even more as began to sob again.  
  
I knew he was going to say that, I remember thinking as I rolled over onto my back and looked at the ceiling. So then...why?... I thought, as I turned onto my side and brought one of my hands up to my face. Why does it hurt so much?  
  
-Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
A wave of worry washed over me as I saw Kagura had already started to run off. I had came to the door as quickly as I could, but apparently not quick enough. I had heard her squeak out the first half of my name, I knew something was wrong, but I was still too late.  
  
I breifly looked at Kyo after I called after. He had been looking at me, still blushing from his conversation with Kagura, but when I looked at him he looked at his feet. He knew what he had done. When I ran off after her I remember feeling him look at me, and then he turned around and closed the door behind him as he walked into the house.  
  
Chikusho, Kagura. Why did you do this? I thought.  
  
I wandered around those woods for hours with no results. She was gone.  
  
I sighed as I gave up and left the Sohma property to head home.  
  
To my surprise, on the way there, Kagura passed me on the sidewalk. She looked fatigued, tears drying on her face, her body hunched over in defeat. I tried to stop her by saying a few things, but it was as if she couldn't hear me. I couldn't see her eyes, but I'm sure that if I could have, they would've probably been blank. She just wasn't in this world when she walked by me.  
  
-Haru Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I must've passed out again after I did that, because my room was starting to get dark when I woke up again.   
  
I wasn't hungry. I knew I should eat something, but the urge wasn't there, and my stomach felt like it probably wouldn't have cooperated had I tried anyway.  
  
The pain in my heart had subdued a bit with the the passing of that day, but it still hurt too much to even move, and hurt even more when my thoughts wandered and I started to think. I was lost. Soo lost, and I didn't know what to do anymore. And on top of that, the feeling of lonliness was so heavy that it made it hard to breathe.   
  
I didn't want to get up. Didn't want to watch TV, read a book, talk on the phone to my friends. I didn't want to face the day, life,...Kyo. Hope was gone. I love you so much, Kyo. I remember thinking. No one can love you as much as I do. Too bad you just can't see things through the same eyes I can.  
  
-Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
The look on Kyo's face when he walked back into the room was one of guilt. His head hung as he sat down across from me at the table.  
  
I was debating with myself whether I wanted to ask what had happened or not. After all, Hatsuharu had seemed like he was the only one that had came to see him, but that voice that called Hatsuharu's name definately sounded like Kagura.  
  
"Ano...Kyo? Daijoubu?"  
  
It took him a few moments to answer my question.  
  
"H-hai, Tohru." He looked up and in the direction of the front door. Something was definately wrong.  
  
"Ano...Kyo, you know you can tell me, right?"  
  
He looked at me and then looked at his feet, slightly blushing. "It's Kagura."  
  
I knew it! I remember thinking. But what's got him so upset?  
  
He looked toward the door again. "Nee, Tohru, you remember how I said I wanted to live with you, for us to be together?"  
  
"H-hai." I didn't know what else to say. What's he trying to get at? I thought.  
  
"Kagura...," he sighed. "Kagura...knows." He looked down again.  
  
At this point, I knew there was some greater meaning behind what he was actually saying. Maybe it had to do with the fact that we had feelings about each other, though we never actually said how we truly felt. We just kind of hinted about it in a nonchalant sort of way.  
  
So Kagura knew. Kagura had finally figured it out. But hadn't she kind-of realized it all along? Wasn't that why she let me go after Kyo and she didn't go after him herself? I was confused, but I pretty much understood. Kagura had figured out that there was something more than friendship developing between me and Kyo. But still, she had been stubborn enough before to try and win Kyo's heart before, why had she stopped now?  
  
Did she just suddenly realize that she had no effect on him, that her outbursts were not pursuading him that a realtionship with her would be beneficial to them both? That had to be it. But she still must love him, which was why she had been avoiding him...no, me.  
  
She had visited a couple of days after Kyo returned, and maybe she realized there was something different in the air, the way Kyo smiled at me more, how he just generally seemed happier. Maybe he shouldn't have ignored her so much, and wished to celebrate a few weeks ago that she had finally stopped badgering him.  
  
Maybe she had actually tried to come to visit, but heard Kyo talking about her in this way, and instead of getting angry, got depressed and left. I still have no idea how she reacted to Kyo's transformation, what she did when he left and when I went after him. No one knew, really. Yuki had left soon to go after Kyo too. She had been alone, waiting for his return, but when he did return, she was nowhere to be found.  
  
My feelings about this had been right. Something was definately wrong with Kagura, but could I help Kagura? Would she really want to see me, of all people? There would only be one way to find out.  
  
-Tohru Honda  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: I know, it was weird that I included her, huh? I don't know. And I still don't know where this fanfic is going. *sigh* I don't know how it's going to end, either. That's if I actually finish writing it, which I hope I do. Right now, I'm going to watch some more Fruits Basket to make sure everyone sounds in character. (Even though this is just my interpretation of them.) Ah well, Ja nee! 


	5. Entry 5

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
I stayed in my room, sleeping intermittently, for days, maybe even longer. I didn't eat, drank water occasionally, and only really left to go to the bathroom. I was a mess when I was told that I had a visitor. I didn't care though. When they asked if they could come in, all I told them to do was open the door.  
  
And she was the last one I expected.  
  
I sat bolt upright. "T-Tohru-kun....O-Ohayou...O-genki...desu..ka?" I was at a loss for words.  
  
"Watashi wa genki desu...Ano...Kagura-san, daijoubu desu ka...?" She walked toward me and sat down next to me on my bed.   
  
I stood up, and nearly fell, my knees were shaking so hard. Maybe going days on end without eating and crying all the time wasn't the best method to treat depression. "H-hai...Atashi wa genki desu." I looked at the floor. "Atashi wa daijoubu zutto."  
  
She could tell I was lying. "Nee, Kagura, what's wrong? You can tell me."  
  
Tears threatened again. Kyo-kun...The word echoed in my thoughts endlessly. "Kyo-kun...," I accidentally mumbled outloud. I looked up at her, my head still tilted down. She looked some-what shocked, but also like she had expected that answer all along. I fell onto my knees. I just couldn't stand anymore. "Kyo-kun..."  
  
This wasn't like me. I never showed anyone I was depressed, I'd cover it up with anger, or act like it wasn't there. I'd only cry when no one else was around. And now I had broken down in front of Tohru.  
  
Would she tell Kyo? Would she pretend that it never happened? Would she force him to come and apologize? Would she make me go back and talk to him? All of these thoughts passed through my head in a single moment as I looked at her. I had no idea. I was so lost. Then everything got blurry again, and I wasn't sure what was going on anymore.  
  
- Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I hadn't been expecting this from Kagura. Everytime I saw her, she was always calm and collected. Or maybe she was angry or annoyed at Kyo. But I had never seen her like this before. I don't think anyone had.   
  
Maybe she just finally broke. People act completely different than normal when everthing that pills up on top of them spills out and there's no way they can push it all back in again.  
  
I wonder how long she's been holding all this back, was the only thing I could think as I looked at her. I was at a loss for words.  
  
"Kyo...kun," she mumbled again. Her arms were hugging her chest as she knelt there, hunched over on the floor.  
  
"Ano...maybe you should...talk to him again," I had tried suggesting.  
  
"Iee." She shook her head. I could tell she was thinking that it would be worthless. And although it probably would initially cause her more pain, it would help her wounds to heal. She couldn't go on living like this forever! And she probably wouldn't live much longer anyway if she kept this up.  
  
At work, Momiji had told me that he had heard Kagura hadn't eaten in days, that she hadn't left her room, and that the only thing people ever heard when they walked by was sniffling or the steady breathing that told them she was asleep. No one had actually seen her in over a week and people were starting to get worried. Akito wasn't too conerned. He had basically just said that she needed to get over it.  
  
With this information foremost in my mind, I knelt down in front of her and hugged her. She tensed for a moment, and then relaxed. She probably didn't know what else to do. She was too weak to move.  
  
"Tomorrow," I told her. 'Tomorrow we'll go see Kyo." I could feel her shaking her head, almost sense her pain at the thought of having to face him again. I could hear her sniffling. "It's the only way things are ever going to get any better. You can't go on living like this." 'Cause I'm afraid you won't last much longer.  
  
-Tohru Honda  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: Gomen, gomen! I know this chapter was short, but the last one was longer than usual! Don't worry, I will be writing more. And just think, we both don't know how this story is going to end! Is that bad...Hmm...Oh well! Ja ne, and see you next chapter! 


	6. Entry 6

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
I didn't want to go. I was scared. So scared. And I didn't know what I would do if Kyo rejected me again. But she pushed me so much, in the end, I didn't have much of a choice. I was too weak to put up a fight anymore.  
  
And so I found myself dragging my feet towards that Sohma house buried in the woods with a heart as reluctant as my footsteps.  
  
My thoughts wandered aimlessly, making it seem like hours had passed before we finally reached Kyo's home.   
  
A bittersweet smile fluttered across my lips for a moment as a stared at that house of memories. All the fun times I had had with Kyo, even though for him, most of them had been torture. And then I knew that my torture would soon begin as I took that last step towards the front door.  
  
-Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
When I pulled back the front door, Kagura was the last person I expected to see.  
  
She was staring at her feet, her head tilted down. A smiling, but clearly worried Tohru stood beside her.   
  
I raised a questioning eyebrow at her, I'm sure my anxiety was clearly present on my face. I was as a loss for words. My mind was a complete blank.   
  
Tohru made a small gesture with her head towards the inside of the house, as if to say, "Why don't you invite her in, you dummy."  
  
"Ano,...Kagura...come in."   
  
She took one step forward into the house. "Thank you." She then must've realized that Tohru still needed to get into the house, so she took a few more steps forward, and then stepped to the side, still looking at the floor.  
  
-Kyo Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
Tears threatened. I didn't know what to do. My face felt hot, my eyes about to overflow, and my heart about to break.  
  
Tohru, why did you bring me here?...How is this going to help?...  
  
-Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
Kyo was staring blankly at Kagura, and Kagura was still staring at her feet.   
  
"A-ano...Why don't we all go sit down?"   
  
Kyo seemed to break out of a trance, and then looked at me with a shocked expression on his face. But he either must've thought that it was a good idea, or that he had no choice, because he then led the way to the dining room.  
  
This might be a little harder than I thought, I remember thinking.   
  
Kagura sat next to me and Kyo sat across from her. Now she was staring at the table instead of at her feet.  
  
"Nee, Kagura. Didn't you have something you wanted to tell Kyo?"  
  
-Tohru Honda  
  
~~~  
  
Not anything he doesn't already know. A single tear escaped, caught on my eyelashes, and then dropped to the surface of the table, a single drop of water on the wooden surface.  
  
I hoped that no one else saw it. But she expects me to say something...What?...What do I want to say?...I remember having thought. "I like you Kyo. I love you more than Tohru ever will, so why do you love her more than me?" Yeah, I'm sure that would go over great. I sighed. Here goes nothing.  
  
"I love you Kyo. I've liked you ever since I was toddler, ever since when you used to seek my hand for comfort, instead of the other way around. And..." Another single teardrop fell. "And I always will." I looked up, straight at him, tears starting to flow. "I love you, and I always will. More than anyone else." And you'll always be the pain that I harbor in my heart. The tears flowed freely now. I didn't bother holding them back.  
  
-Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I was at a loss for words. I knew she felt this way, but to hear her say it like this, and in front of Tohru, emptied my mind of any coherent thoughts. Now what?....I have to say something!....  
  
"Gomen, Kagura. You...You know I don't feel the same way..." What else can I say?...Why did Tohru drag her here like this?  
  
-Kyo Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
See, Tohru? He told me something I already knew. I shakily rose to my feet, my knees shaking from exhaustion and my emotions. And then my legs collapsed under me and a brownish cloud surrounded me as a popping sound filled my ears. I now knelt on four knees instead of two. I had transformed. And I was too weak to run away.  
  
Dammit...  
  
And believe me, boars can cry too.  
  
- Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~ 


	7. Entry 7

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
I woke up a few hours later in a cloud of pink, my clothes folded neatly in a pile beside me.   
  
When my eyes focused better, I realized that I must have been in Tohru's bed, which made me feel even worse.  
  
"You know I don't feel the same way." The words flooded my mind and sent a wave of agony through my heart so strong there were tears rolling down my cheeks before I could even think of stopping them.  
  
I sat up and brought my legs up to my chest, burying my face in my knees.  
  
After a few moments I realized I should probably put my clothes on, so I sat on the edge of the bed and proceeded to do so.  
  
No sooner had I finished, stood up and walked towards the door, did it push back before my fingers could touch it...and then the red eyes of the last person I wanted to see met my own.   
  
I instantly looked down.  
  
-Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I felt heat flush across my face. I hadn't expected to see her standing there when I opened the door.  
  
"Ano...Kagura...How are you feeling?  
  
-Kyo Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
"Much better," I lied through my teeth. If constant pain thrown upon me the instant I wake up is better than being unconscious, then, yeah, much...better. "I was just going to get a drink."  
  
I stepped forward and he quickly stepped to the side. I saw the shocked expression on his face as I slowly proceeded to walk down the hallway and the stairs. The hunger pains in my stomach were nothing compared to the pain in my heart. I knew that if I ate anything, my heart would force it out of my body the same way it came in. So I walked down the stairs. And out of the house.  
  
-Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I ran down the stairs and watched in dumbfounded shock as she walked slowly away from the house. I didn't know what to do. Calling her back would probably just make things worse. So I just stood there and watched...as she walked away.  
  
-Kyo Sohma  
  
~~~ 


	8. Entry 8

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
"See...Tohru," I mumbled outloud as I stumbled away from that house, away from Kyo,...trying to escape from the pain in my heart. I nearly tripped and fell. "It...was pointless...Now...I feel...even worse." The words were seperated by sobs and tears.  
  
"You know I don't feel the same way."  
  
"Damn...it."  
  
When my thoughts finally focused on my surroundings, I realized what I had done. I had wandered in no particular direction, except for the fact that it was away from him. I was in the middle of the forest, and night was falling. Dammit...."Damn...it," I mumbled as I hugged my arms across my chest and fell to my knees.  
  
The sound of a small explosion filled my ears and brown smoke filled my eyes as my clothes fell on top of me and the world slowly went black.  
  
-Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
This is bad. This is bad. I was worrying. I normally never worry about other people, nevermind Kagura!   
  
Tohru walked down the stairs and I stared at her, not knowing what to say. She looked towards the front door. When she realized it was open, a look of shock and worry passed over her face. She then looked at me. I immediately looked at the floor.  
  
Tohru then proceeded to walk toward the front door. Upon reaching it, she stood in the doorway, looking out into the distance.  
  
She turned around and looked at me. "We have to go after her."   
  
I nodded. I didn't have much of a choice, right? After all, all this was my fault, as much as I hate to admit it.  
  
-Kyo Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I had decided to go over and see Kagura when I was told that she had just been seen leaving with Tohru.  
  
This confused me for a moment. Why would Kagura be with Tohru?  
  
And then a wave of worry washed over me as I thought of a possible explaination. Tohru's probably taking Kagura to confront Kyo...But...But I already tried that...And it backfired...Horriblely...She probably has no idea just what kind of state Kagura's been in lately. She definately has not been herself...I don't know what she'll do if she's forced to do something again...And she was at least partially willing when I took her...And in a better state of mind...Chikusho!...  
  
I took off at a run towards that piece of Sohma land seperated from the rest. I was worried out of my mind.  
  
By the time I finally got there, twilight had already settled upon the forest.  
  
I didn't even bother going to the house, I immediately began running along the trails.   
  
What if she's transformed?...What if she wandered off a trail?...  
  
My thoughts were racing as fast as my feet. I was going completely on instinct-left, right, left....  
  
Darkness was falling. I couldn't see more than forty feet in front of me, the moon and stars the only luminesence lending me aid. My coat spread out like wings behind me as I jumped over a fallen log.  
  
Kagura...Kagura...Where are you?  
  
While I flew the forest, my thoughts wandered a bit. Why was this worrying me so much? I had never been that close to her. Maybe it was because I felt connected to her somehow. After all, we had both fallen for other members of the zodiac, other people like ourselves. We both pretty much didn't have a chance with the people we liked, and Tohru was an obstacle for both of us. Maybe that's what linked me to her, made me worry about her, and, in the end, maybe that's what led me to her, in her zodiac form, laying unconscious beneath her clothes.  
  
-Haru Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
After we searched for three hours, in the end barely able to make out our own hands and feet, nevermind the trail, we turned back towards home.  
  
Tohru was clearly worried, but there was nothing more we could do. It was too dark to search anymore, we were both tired, and we both could barely talk we had called out to her so much. And every time there was no response.  
  
I did feel guilty, I still kind-of do, when I think about that, what I did, what I caused her to do. I guess she loved me more than I thought she did. But, I just always thought that she needed to get over me, and that she would, and then she'd find someone else. But as I waited for this to happen, she never did, and I just got more and more annoyed when she kept hanging all over me.  
  
As we walked back, both of us dragging our feet, I felt soo heavy. Maybe it was because I was tired, or maybe it was because I knew this whole situation was my fault.   
  
But it's not like I could change my emotions! I had feelings toward Tohru, not toward Kagura. Sure, she was an okay person and all, not half as bad as Haru when he goes Black, but I never felt that way towards her. Always a friend and only a friend.   
  
Although right then, as I walked through the rapidly cooling air of that black forest, I didn't feel like a friend, I didn't even feel like an aquiaintance. I felt like one of those people, a total stranger, that curses at someone behind their back for no good reason. I felt like someone who had gotten drunk and then accidentally killed someone with their car. I felt guilty. And there was nothing I could do to change that.  
  
-Kyo Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: Do you think it's bad that I still don't know where this story is going?...*nods* That's right, I still have no clue. *looks at chapter number* That might be bad, huh?...I don't even know what TYPE of ending it's going to have...Um...Oops?...Oh well...Keep reading! Enjoy it! And Review!! Thanks! ;) 


	9. Entry 9

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
I wrapped her clothes around her as I lifted her into my arms and pressed her against my chest.  
  
"Dammit, Kagura," I said softly, looking down at the slumbering boar. "Why'd you go and do this?"  
  
Even her zodiac form showed her suffering. I could feel her ribs through the fabric, not to mention she was as light as a feather. It feel like there was anything in the clothes at all.  
  
I raced back to the main Sohma estate and saw Akito out of the corner of my eye as I ran through the main gates. Hatori. I have to get her to Hatori.  
  
I ran down the hallway to his room and burst through the door. "Ha...tori...It's...Kagura..." Gasps penetrated my speech. I was almost completely winded and ready to pass out myself by the time I arrived.  
  
I had enough strength to hand a startled Hatori an unconscious boar before my strength failed me. My knees gave in and my vision when black as I collapsed onto the floor. Kagura....  
  
-Hatsuharu Sohma  
  
~~~~  
  
I looked down, wide-eyed, at the bundle Haru had shoved into my arms. "Kagura?" I pulled back the fabric and there she was, unconscious, a boar's skin pulled tight over a fragile skeleton. None of my patients had ever looked this bad. Even her zodiac form showed just how far she had fallen from her original self.  
  
I sighed as I placed her down on a futon and gave her some fluids intervenously. She was weak. I had no clue when she would return to her human form. It could be minutes, hours, even days.  
  
After I had taken her temperature, checked her over for any broken bones or cuts, and then recorded what I noticed, I went over and looked at Hatsuharu. Oddly enough, he hadn't transformed, but had just kind-of faded out. Maybe it was his concern for Kagura that had kept him in this form. The perameters of this curse were blurred at the edges sometimes.  
  
He was paler than usual, and his cheeks were still a little flushed from his run over. His breathing had slowed significantly, though.  
  
I arranged a futon next to Kagura's and placed Hatsuharu on it. I had no clue when either of them would awake again. I had done what I could for them for the time being.   
  
I then looked at them both one last time before I left the room to let them rest.  
  
-Hatori Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
When I openned my eyes again, Kagura was laying an arm's length away. I could've easily brushed those few strands of stray hairs away from her face. She was back to normal. I was thankful for that. But I was clueless on the prospect of her getting better.  
  
I rolled over and sat up. Hatori was no where in sight. "Now where could he have gone?"  
  
I pushed myself up off the futon and then walked over to the door that led to the porch. I opened it. He was still no where in sight. I scratched the side of my head as I closed the door.   
  
My eyes briefly flashed to Kagura as I opened the door that led to the hallway. I'll be back soon. I thought, as I stepped out into the hallway and began to look for Hatori.  
  
-Haru Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
It took a few moments for my eyes to focus, and a few more after that for me to realize where I was. My first words upon awakening were, "Atashi wa...doko?", but after I realized where I was, I started to wonder how I had gotten there.  
  
Slowly I remebered what happened, backwards. I had slipped away into unconsciousness. I had been walking aimlessly in the woods...'Kyo'...The word brought tears to my eyes and daggers to my heart.  
  
But who brought me here?   
  
It was then that Hatsuharu, walked into the room. "Ah, I'm glad to see that you're awake." He smiled. Hatori followed him into the room a moment later.  
  
"I just finished talking to Akito," Hatori began. My face paled and my eyes lost their light.   
  
-Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
"Akito, it's about Kagura," I had said as I knelt in front of him. "She has just returned and she is very weak."  
  
Akito was moving his hand up and down, his eyes focused on a small, white bird that was sitting there.  
  
"Is that so?"  
  
"Yes, sir. I don't know how long it's going to take her to get better, or if she'll get better at all."  
  
"Hmm...That girl..Tohru...I told her she couldn't lift the curse...She has eased it, for some of us," one of his eyes focused on me for a moment. "But she can't solve all the problems of those that are cursed." His gaze then shifted back to the bird. "Do for her what you can. You can't save everyone, you know."  
  
"Yes. I'm try my best." I bowed, stood, and left the room. I wasn't sure how to interpret Akito's response, but I knew that it was my duty to help Kagura. It was then that I ran into Hatsuharu, as I was heading back to my room.  
  
-Hatori Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
"...I will treat you as best I can." I let out the breath that I didn't know I had been holding. So Akito wasn't going to repremand me? He wasn't going to punish me? Tohru really had changed everyone in the Sohma family. Her influence was amazing, and it was her influence that was slowly killing me.  
  
I smiled. I was still laying down, so I didn't sit up. I looked at my clothes, which were folded up next to me. They both got the hint and turned around so I could dress.  
  
A few minutes later I stood up and walked over to Hatsuharu. I almost didn't make it though, I was still really weak.  
  
"Hatsu...haru...?" He turned around.  
  
"Hai?"  
  
"Ano..Arigato...gozaimasu..."  
  
He smiled. "It was nothing. Just get better, okay?"  
  
I smiled. A smile so fake that it hurt. "Sure." I never really liked lying, but I didn't have much of a choice. I would now go back to the way I was before, burying everything in the depths of my heart. That's what I used to do what Kyo hurt me, or show it as anger instead. Now I would just bury it deep, where it would eat me alive and no one would know its existance until it was too late.  
  
-Kagura Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: I finally figured out how this fanfic is going to end! *smiles* At least part of it, anyway. Demo...ano...I don't think anyone's going to like it...I don't like it...But I can't think of another ending...*sniffle* I've been trying, I really have...*sweatdrop* Gomen? (By the way, the next chapter is the turning point. See ya there!...And hopefully for chapters after that...) 


	10. Entry 10

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
With Hatori's guidance, it was amazing how swiftly Kagura recovered. The hollowness in her cheeks was gone within a week, and soon all traces of weakness were gone as well.   
  
I ended up spending a lot more time with her, and having a lot of fun too. She was a great person to be around, and when she smiled, it felt like a great heaviness was lifted from my heart.  
  
Ever so slowly my urges to see Yuki went away, and were replaced with the desire to be around Kagura.   
  
It wasn't until one night, when we were both staring at the night sky, that I realized what had happened.  
  
"Nee, Haru, isn't the moon beautiful?"  
  
The way the light of the stars and moon that night reflected off her hair and in her eyes made me blush. I had never realized before just how pretty she was. She then turned to look at me and I quicky turned to look at the moon.   
  
"Hai, it is beautiful," But not as beautiful as you.  
  
When we parted that night, Kagura had no idea about my feelings, and I was ready to bang my head against the wall when I discovered them.  
  
I'm so stupid! I can't believe this is happening! H-how...Why? I banged my fist against the wall. Images of Kagura ran through my mind. I lowered my head to rest next to my fist. I can't believe this...And here all I was trying to do was help heal her wounds, and I end up... I banged my head against the wall. Stupid...  
  
I vowed to myself that night that I would tell her the next day. But when the next day came, I was too late.  
  
***  
  
She had seemed so much better. She had filled back out, the light seemed to have brought back into her eyes, and she was always smiling. And I remembered too late that that was how Kagura had always acted before she broke down, and that she had probably gone back to hiding her emotions again. I didn't realize how blind I was until I was too late.  
  
It had been a beautiful day. One of those perfect ones caught between the transition from spring into summer, where it's just the right temperature, and there's just enough sunlight to warm you, and the light, cool breeze makes everything pleasant. I was smiling as I approached her. She was laying under a tree in the courtyard.  
  
"Nee, Haru, isn't the sun beautiful?" She was looking up at the sky through the breaks in the leaves of the canopy of the tree.   
  
"Hai, it's gorgeous." I looked up. The sky was a brilliant blue, and there was just enough clouds to spend a day laying on a hill and laughing about what animals or people they looked like.  
  
"I wonder what it's like...up there...In the sky...In the heavens...It looks...so...peaceful." She looked up at the sky with longing, then sighed and closed her eyes.  
  
I looked at her, what I had come to say on the tip of my tounge, ready to burst out of me. "Nee, Kagura?..." There was no response. "Kagura?" I took a step forward, she didn't look like she was breathing. "K-Ka..gura?" A chill went down my spine. Uso... I walked quickly over to her and knelt by her side.   
  
"Nee, Kagura? Open your eyes, this isn't funny....Kagura?" I leaned over and put my ear above her mouth. She wasn't breathing. Noo... I felt for her pulse. It was gone.  
  
"Noo...Uso...Uso! Kagura! KAGURA!!" I was leaning over her now, one of my hands by her shoulder opposite me, the other by her side closest me. "KAGURA! NO! It can't be! KAGURAAAA!!"  
  
Tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't stop screaming. I didn't know what to do. She was gone. It was too late. I was too late. Everything was too late.  
  
-Hatsuharu Sohma  
  
~~~ 


	11. Entry 11

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
That day, White Haru died. He was lost forever.   
  
Hatori pried me away from Kagura as me took her pulse and checked her breathing. His eyes looked empty as he sat back on his heels and shook his head. She was gone, and nothing could bring her back.  
  
"Doushite....Why did she die...She was doing...She was doing so well....Why did she leave us?!" I was yelling now. I didn't want to admit she was gone, not when I had finally found out how I felt, not when I was just about to tell her, not when Yuki didn't matter anymore!   
  
It was then that I realized how she must've felt, how lost and alone, and how much pain must have filled her heart.  
  
I was kneeling on the ground, sitting on my heels, tears streaming down her face. I was in shock. All I could do was sit there, with an empty look on my face, as the numbness flowed though my body and ate at my heart.  
  
-Hatsuharu Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I ran through the halls toward the outside of the house when I heard Hatsuharu screaming. I stopped in shock on the porch as I stared out at the courtyard and saw Haru leaning over Kagura's very still form.  
  
After I got over the initial shock, I ran toward them as fast as I could. I didn't want to believe what I was seeing. It couldn't be true.  
  
I pushed Haru away when I reached her, the first thing I was looking for was a pulse. There was none. I checked her breathing just to be sure. Nothing. I shook my head. She was gone.  
  
I looked at Haru. He was just sitting there, staring out into space, clearly in shock. After all, we had all expected Kagura to get better, no one had expected this.  
  
"She just...she just gave up...She gave up on life...," I said softly, under my breath. I didn't realized I had said it out loud until Haru looked at me. And then I didn't know what to say.  
  
-Hatori Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
'She just gave up on life.' The words echoed inside my mind endlessly.  
  
Why hadn't I noticed before, that everything she did was a lie? Why couldn't I see her heart? Why?  
  
Now it was too late. Now she was gone forever, when I had finally figured out my own heart, hers was lost.  
  
It was then that White Haru died. That Black Haru became who I truly was.  
  
Maybe I was just trying to cover up the pain, forget anything had ever happened. Maybe it was my way of hiding the truth. Whatever it was, I haven't been able to look at things the same way since.  
  
The pain subsided and was taken over by anger. A rage aimed at Kyo, fueled by Kagura's death. It was his fault, all his fault.  
  
I abandoned my white jacket. It was White Haru's anyway. My color was black, and black alone. Black like my soul, like the rage that consumed my heart, the blindness that was my sight. I would get Kyo back. He would pay for what he did.  
  
I found a black trenchcoat and put it on over my black shirt and pants.  
  
The jacket fluttered out behind me like black wings as I walked to that Sohma residence far from my own, with only one thing in mind, that Kyo would pay for Kagura's death, for the blackness that was now my soul.  
  
-Hatsuharu Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: *runs and hides far away, and is talking through a megaphone* *waits for bombs to drop* I'm very sorry to all of you who wanted this to be a Kagura/Kyo fic. *runs into bomb shelter* But I can promise you that it's going to be at least 18 chapters long! See you next chapter ! (I hope...) 


	12. Entry 12

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
When I reached Kyo's residence, I knocked and waited for a reply.   
  
Kyo ended up being the one who opened the door, a shocked look on his face.   
  
"Hatsuharu...What are you doing here?"  
  
"BAKA NEKO!" I yelled, and punched him as hard as I could in the face.  
  
"What the hell was that for?!" Kyo yelled back when he had recovered.  
  
I heard the telephone ring, and then Shigure's voice as he picked it up.  
  
"Hello?..Ah, Hatori! Why do...Oh...I would've never thought...Okay...Thank you. Bye." His footsteps got louder after he hung up the phone, so I knew he was approaching us. "Yuki, listen..." There was a very sad look on his face. And that was when he noticed me, and the fire that seemed to burn in my eyes.  
  
"Oh...Haru...Did you come to bring us the news, then?"  
  
Kyo looked surprised and confused. "What news?"  
  
Shigure looked at me. "You didn't tell him yet?" Then he looked at Kyo. "Kyo..It's Kagura...She's dead."  
  
Kyo's face paled as his eye's widened and his pupils shrank. "Uso..."  
  
"Iee, I'm afraid it's the truth." Shigure was looking down now. "That was Hatori just now. That's why he called, to tell me,...us...what happened."  
  
Then there were more footsteps. "Shigure, who was that on the phone?" It was Yuki.  
  
"It was Hatori. Kagura's dead."  
  
Yuki's response was similar to Kyo's. "Kagura's...dead?...You must be joking."  
  
Shigure covered his face with one hand. "I'm afraid not. Her funeral is going to be later this afternoon."  
  
"Sou desu. And it's all this baka neko's fault." All heads turned to look at me. Kyo's face was still red where I hit him. "Kono baka neko."  
  
"You didn't have to punch me." Kyo said in a soft voice, almost no anger in it at all.  
  
"Is that so? It's all your fault! She loved you and died because you rejected her!"  
  
"It's not my fault I didn't feel the same way!! How could I?! She treated me like her own personal punching bag!! It's not my fault I-!" He stopped and dropped his head down. "It's not my fault. I can't control my emotions, who I like and who I don't. I couldn't force my self to like her." He was talking much softer than before. "It's not my fault." He then looked at me, tears in his eyes, and yelled, "It's not my fault."  
  
"Yes. It is. And I'll make sure you pay for what you did. You're as bad as a murder, Kyo. You deserve to be in Hell, so that's what your life will be like from now on. I'll make sure of it."  
  
"And just what gives you the right to do that?!" he yelled at me.  
  
"Because I loved her." They all looked at me, shocked, as I turned and walked away. I could feel their eyes on me until they couldn't see me anymore. And trust me, Kyo, your life will be...a living Hell.  
  
-Hatsuharu Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I watched wide eyed as Hatsuharu walked away...Too calmly, I might add.  
  
When he was no longer in sight, it was then that Tohru walked into the room.  
  
"Ano...By the way, lunch is ready." She must have noticed the solemn looks on all our faces, because her cheerful expression quickly changed to that of concern. "Ano...Daijoubu?"  
  
Shigure covered his face with his hand again and sighed, his eyes closed. "It's Kagura. She's dead."  
  
A look of shock, then of intense greif came over her face. Just looking at her made me want to cry, as I could tell she would be shortly.  
  
She looked down at the floor, her hair shielding her eyes from my sight. "Hontou ni?"  
  
Shigure nodded his head. Tohru trembled slightly. "Hontou desu....When...When is her funeral...going..to be?"  
  
"This afternoon. We're all invited. Tohru, you too can come along," said Shigure.  
  
Tohru nodded her head, still looking down. "Hai, I at least owe Kagura-san that much..."   
  
She turned around to head back into the kitchen. "Ano...should I perhaps wrap the lunch up and put it in the fridge to eat later?"  
  
Shigure nodded. "Yes, that sounds like a good idea. I don't think any of us are hungry right now."  
  
I looked straight down. So did Yuki.  
  
I thought I had felt guilty while in the forest looking for her. My guilt now was of no comparison. I felt like a cold blooded murderer. Like a heartless bastard. I felt like I didn't deserve to go on living. Walking took effort, my guilt was laid so heavily on my heart.  
  
Her death was my fault. Maybe I should have given her a chance? I thought, as I walked up the stairs to my room. Maybe I should have looked harder at that side of her that loved me with all of her heart. I sighed as I dropped to the floor and buried my face in my hands. Maybe I should have taken her more seriously. There were soo many 'maybe's, so many things I should have done, and I didn't, so many mistakes that I had made. Now she was gone, and it was all my fault.  
  
Before I knew it, I was crying, my hands were saturated with my tears. I couldn't remember the last time I had cried so much.  
  
-Kyo Sohma  
  
~~~ 


	13. Entry 13

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
The part of me that wanted to mourn over Kagura's death was frozen in a solid block of ice, a numbness that could only heal through revenge, and even then it was highly unlikely.  
  
Kyo would pay for what he did to Kagura, for what he did to me. He ruined my life, stole my soul, covered my world in a shroud of black that could never be lifted, a darkness that was ruled by the insanity that was Black Haru.  
  
My black wings spread out behind me as the wind whipped at my open trenchcoat. There was no more room for pain in my heart when revenge was the only reason for living.  
  
Don't worry, Kagura, I thought, looking up at the sky, Kyo will pay dearly for what he did to you.   
  
I looked straight ahead again. He will long for the shadow lover, the one they call "Death", to whisk him away into the bliss of nothingness when I am done with him. What he did was inexcusable. He took my soul, and yours. He forced you life to be as short as that of the cherry blossom, but not even half as beautiful. He is a murderer, Kagura, and he will pay for your death, I promise. And when I'm done with him, I'll come for you, watashi no ai, and we can finally be together. Sweet dreams, Kyo-chan.  
  
-Black Haru  
  
~~~  
  
I cried until I knew I needed to get prepared for the funeral, that I couldn't wait any longer.  
  
I was on the edge of tears the entire way to the main Sohma house, my head constantly bowed to keep my bangs sheilding my eyes.   
  
I didn't want to look at Kyo, for him to see in my eyes how I accused him, even though it really wasn't his fault.   
  
I kept trying to tell myself that, that it wasn't Kyo's fault, but when I looked at Kagura's body, lying so quiet, so peaceful, so....still...in that coffin, I knew I couldn't convince myself anymore.   
  
But, in the end, wasn't it partially my fault too? If I had never gotten involved with the Sohma's, would Kagura have ended up with Kyo? Would he have finally seen just how much she truly loved him? All I knew for sure was that it definately wouldn't have ended up like this.   
  
Tears started to flow. I couldn't hold them back. It was truly my fault. If I had never shown up, this would have never happened!  
  
And what about Kyo? I couldn't help but look over at him. What was Hatsuharu going to do to him? Shigure had explained to me what happened after Kyo had went up to his room. I had only seen Haru gone Black a couple of times, but it seemed that now it was permenate. If anything happened to Kyo...then that would be my fault too! And when I cared about him so much!  
  
I was making myself sick just thinking about it. It took a good amount of effort and control to keep what was left in my stomach where it was, even though I knew deep down that it wouldn't stay there for long.  
  
So, in the end, everything wasn't Kyo's fault, it was mine. Maybe I should try telling Hatsuharu that, I thought to myself. That, in reality, all of this is truly my fault. If I had never showed up on the Sohma's doorstep that day, if my curiousity hadn't gotten the better of me, then this would've never happened. I would have went into my tent that night, and died in my sleep, or doing homework as the avalanche came down. None of this would have happened! Kagura would have still been alive!  
  
My stomach lurched and I ran out of the room. I didn't know where the bathroom was, so I ran outside. It was a good five or ten minutes before I could attempt going back into the room the funeral was being held in.  
  
When I did gather enough strength to go back inside, once I was seated, Hatsuharu came in not two minutes after me. My stomach lurched, but there was nothing else inside it for it to push out. I should tell him. It's all my fault, to leave Kyo alone. None of this would have happened if I had never shown up.  
  
By sheer luck, he sat in the row behind me. I turned around in my seat.  
  
"Haru, I need to talk to you." He raised an eyebrow. "Do you mind leaving the room for a few moments."  
  
He got up out of his seat. I took that as a yes, and led the way out of the room.  
  
-Tohru Honda  
  
~~~  
  
I had no clue what Tohru wanted to tell me, but I figured I might as well get it over with.  
  
"What?" I asked her, when we were halfway down the hallway, far enough away from the room that once the cerimony began, we wouldn't be disturbing anyone.  
  
"A-ano...Kyo-kun....You need to leave Kyo-kun...alone..." She stopped for a moment. I could tell she had more to say.  
  
"He...he doesn't have...He's...not the reason...why...Kagura...." I stared at her. She was looking at her hands. She looked up at me for an instant, then looked back down again, slightly blushing. "It's...It's not his fault Kagura...."  
  
I couldn't take it anymore. "Of course it's that baka neko's fault that Kagura's dead!" Tohru cringed. I didn't care. "Why else would she be gone if it wasn't for that uncaring, insentimental bastard?!"  
  
Tohru was still cringing before she spoke. "It's...It's my fault!" She looked up at me again, but this time her eyes held mine. "If I had never shown up, and Kagura never had competition, then she..." She trailed off.  
  
I was in shock. I had never thought about it like that before. If Tohru had never shown up...? If Tohru had never appeared, Kagura wouldn't have felt her love for Kyo was threatened, Kyo wouldn't have been forced to transform, Kagura wouldn't have gotten so depressed, and, in the end, I probably would've never fallen in love with her. So it was all Tohru's fault. But that changed everything, because if Tohru had never came around, then I probably wouldn't have fallen in love with Kagura to begin with.  
  
Now what do I do? I could feel the ice slowly starting to melt away, the pain of Kagura's death starting to fill my heart. Maybe White Haru hadn't died after all, maybe I had just froze him, temporarily, in a block of ice, the ice that was now starting to thaw.  
  
"KAGURA!!"  
  
-Hatsuharu Sohma  
  
~~~   
  
A/N: For those of you who don't know much Japanese, here's a list (please tell me if I forgort anything, and I'm sorry I didn't post this sooner):  
  
ano: um  
  
arigatou / arigatou gozaimasu: thank you  
  
baka: stupid/idiot  
  
chigau: no (a form of, anyway)  
  
chikusho: damn it  
  
daijoubu: I'm okay  
  
demo: but  
  
genki: good  
  
gomen/ gomen nee/ gomen nasai: sorry  
  
hai: yes  
  
hontou/ hontou ni: really  
  
ka: ? (daijoubu desu ka?=are you okay?)  
  
kono baka neko= this stupid cat  
  
minna: everyone  
  
neko: cat  
  
no: of (ex. Watashi no ai=my love)  
  
o-genki desu ka?= how are you?  
  
ohayou: morning (as in "good morning")  
  
sayoonara: good bye (permenantly or for a long time, different than "ja ne" which means "see you later")  
  
watashi: I  
  
zutto: always 


	14. Entry 14

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
I didn't know what to do. All of a sudden, Hatsuharu's expression of numbness, of border-line insanity, of a lust for revenge....melted away. And after it did, he fell to his knees...And screamed.  
  
A scream that sent tears to my eyes and daggers piercing my heart. It was a cry only the soul of one who had loved and lost the thing that meant the most, could sound. It was the sound of being lost, and knowing you'd never be found. It was knowing you'd be alone forever, and that no one could heal the scars on your heart.  
  
Soon I found myself on my own knees, trembling, tears pouring from my eyes.  
  
"Kagura..." He was hunched over, his arms crossed against his chest, his fingers digging into his shoulders. Tears were pouring down his face as he whispered her name.  
  
I felt my own hand clutch at my heart. I wanted to reach out and hug him, but that would only cause him to transform, and make things worse. So I sat there, sitting on my heels, contemplating all the pain and suffering I had caused.  
  
-Tohru Honda  
  
~~~  
  
The tears just wouldn't stop. They were the ice that had melted, that had once frozen my heart.  
  
I didn't know what to do. There was no more lust for revenge, there was no comforting numbness. All the pain had flooded back to me in a few moments, and now I just couldn't stop. I wanted to scream, but the lump in my throat prevented me from doing so.   
  
I wanted to stand to my feet, but my legs wouldn't listen, my knees were too weak, so I just sat there, and cried. I could feel that Tohru was watching me, but there was nothing I could do. All I wanted was to be with Kagura, to tell her how I felt and that...that could never happen.  
  
-Hatsuharu Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
There was nothing I could do. All I could think about was how everything would have been better if I had never been there at all. Kagura would still be alive, Hatsuharu wouldn't be in this much pain, no one would be mourning the death of one of the zodiac.   
  
Maybe it'll be better if I just leave. If I leave and never return.  
  
I stumbled as I tried standing to my feet. My legs were weak under me, it was if they didn't want me to leave.   
  
I looked at Hatsuharu one last time. Sayoonara, I thought, as I walked away. Sayoonara, minna! I thought, as I began to run, tears caught in the wind and whisked behind me as I squeezed my eyes tightly shut. Gomen. Gomen for all the trouble I've caused.  
  
I didn't know where my feet where taking me, all I knew was that it was away. Away from the Sohma property, away from the people I called family, from the people I had hurt so much...too much.  
  
They had welcomed me with open arms, had given me a place to stay when I was homeless, had loved me like I was one of their own...And the only thing I had repayed them with was pain...  
  
-Tohru Honda  
  
~~~  
  
All of a sudden, in the middle of the service, I got a really bad feeling, like something was horribly wrong. Yuki must have sensed it too, because we both looked behind ourselves, at the door in the back of the room, at the same time. Then we looked at each other, as if questioning if our instincts were right.  
  
"Tohru," Yuki said, after taking a quick look around. "Tohru isn't here anymore."  
  
The realization hit me like a blow to the back of my head. He was right! Tohru was no where in sight!  
  
We both jumped out of our chairs and ran down the aisle. "Nee, rat-boy, did you see her leave?" I asked Yuki when we reached the hallway, the door to the room we were just in shut behind us.  
  
He shook his head. "No."  
  
We then both noticed a figure dressed in black with shockingly white hair hunched over about halfway down the hallway.  
  
I just stared, instantly knowing it was Hatsuharu. I was smart enough to know it would be stupid to apporach him now, after what he had said earlier. Yuki, on the other hand, hurried over to him.  
  
"Y-yuki!" Too late, he was already talking to him. I sighed and resigned myself to walking towards him as well.  
  
"Hatsuharu, what's wrong? Did you see Tohru?" Yuki asked Haru.  
  
The moment he looked up, I could tell that he wasn't Black Haru anymore. His eyes were back to normal.  
  
"Tohru...left." I could tell that he had been crying. There were dried tears on his face.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"She said that...she...was the reason...that Kagura was dead." He sniffled.  
  
I looked at him in shock. "Her?!...How?!!" Hatsuharu turned his gaze toward me.  
  
"She said...that...if she had never shown up...then Kagura wouldn't have had competition...and...I figured out the rest..." My mind was going a hundred miles an hour.  
  
"What are you talking about?!"  
  
"Think about it, Kyo," Yuki said. I turned and looked at him. "Kagura would have never gotten depressed if it wasn't for Tohru, wouldn't have died, wouldn't have caused so many people so much pain." Yuki looked at Haru with an expresson of pity on his face.  
  
"That stupid girl! You meant to tell me she just RAN OFF??!!!" I yelled.  
  
Haru nodded his head. I turned around and ran down the hallway, looking for the nearest exit. "Kyo, matte!" I heard Yuki yell behind me. "We have no idea where she could have gone,...or where she could still be going!" I stopped, and turned around to look at him...causing him to almost run right into me, stopping just in time.  
  
"Fine, rat boy. Let's think. Where do you think she is?"  
  
-Kyo Sohma  
  
~~~ 


	15. Entry 15

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
I ran wherever my feet felt like taking me, I wasn't even paying attention at all to where I was going anymore.  
  
When my legs refused to take another step, I realized I was at the school.  
  
How funny it is....That I'd end up here. I smiled through the tears in my eyes. There weren't that many left at this point, the wind whipping at my face had dried most of them. This place...where I've had so much fun...where I learned so much...About my friends...and my family...and..myself...Oh, Mom! What should I do now. I collapsed against a wall, sliding down it until I ended up in a pile at the bottom.  
  
I can't go back! I looked up, at the sky. And I can't ask Grandpa to take me in again. Hana-chan's family is too big, and Uo-chan has no room. I hugged my knees up against my chest. What do I do now, Mom. I'm so lost. I rested my head on my knees and and let the tears come again. Gomen nee, Kyo-kun...Yuki-kun...Gomen....minna  
  
-Tohru Honda  
  
~~~  
  
"This is no use! Where are we going?! We're just running around in circles!" I was getting agravated. Our search so far hadn't even stirred up one clue as to where Tohru could have gone.   
  
"Well, there's only a few more places we could check. Her mother's graveyard and the school. I don't think she'd seek solitude on any Sohma property, do you?"  
  
I looked at Yuki, kind of shocked at his skills of deduction. "K. Then let's go check the school. It's starting to get dark."  
  
Yuki looked up. "Mmm. You're right. Let's hurry."  
  
So we both ran off toward the school.  
  
***  
  
By the time we got there, there was little light left to see by, but some of the lights around the school were on, and that's how we found her, a dark spot against a lightly colored wall.  
  
"What should we do?" I looked at Yuki. He shrugged his shoulders. And started walking toward her.  
  
He bent down in front of her and I stop beside him. "Tohru...." No response. "Tohru?"  
  
-Kyo Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I was pulled out of my fatigue-induced sleep by a familar voice softly calling my name. I looked up at the voice's owner with blank eyes, and when I realized who it was, I quickly looked back down again.  
  
"Tohru, what's wrong? Come on, let's go home." It was Kyo. He must have went looking for me with Yuki. I shook my head. The place he called "home" I no longer could use such a friendly word for.  
  
"Tohru, come on." I felt a hand on my shoulder, and then another on my opposite one.   
  
I looked up to see both Kyo and Yuki squatting down in front of me, both smiling but clearly looking worried. I looked back down again.  
  
"Let's go home," Kyo said.  
  
"I..can't...," I managed to squeak out. "What...you call home...isn't...my home...anymore...."  
  
"Tohru, you know that isn't true."  
  
"Yeah, now, come on, let's go."  
  
I could feel them trying to lift me to my feet by my arms, so I ripped them out of their grasps. "I...can't....I've...I've caused too much pain already..."  
  
-Tohru Honda  
  
~~~  
  
"Tohru, you said you wanted to be with me....To live together with me..." I knew that would get her attention. She looked straight up, right at me. "Do you...not want that anymore?"  
  
I could see the tears building up in her eyes. Oh, no, please don't cry...I, swear, I might too at this rate.  
  
"It's...not...that....," she sighed. "I've already caused too much pain already."  
  
"You'd cause even more if you left us now," I told her.  
  
"Tohru, you know we like having you around. None of this is your fault. Please, come home," Yuki said.  
  
Tohru still looked like she wasn't going to budge. I looked at Yuki and raised an eyebrow, as if to say, 'Now what? Do we carry her?'  
  
He looked bakc at me with, 'It doesn't seem like we have any other choice.'  
  
The key question now, was 'How?'  
  
-Kyo Sohma  
  
~~~ 


	16. Entry 16

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
The ice that had melted from around my heart flowed throughout my body and sent waves of goosebumps over my flesh with the chills it brought.  
  
I stayed where Kyo and Yuki left me. I had stopped crying, but I was still hunched over my knees, hugging my chest. I was trying to catch my breath, I had been sobbing so much.  
  
Now that the ice was gone, and the thirst for vengence had melted along with it, the searing pain of lonliness crept into my heart.  
  
I don't want to be alone. The thought echoed endlessly. I don't want to be alone.  
  
Clutching one arm in the grasp of another, I managed to somehow raise myself to my feet. Upon doing so I slowly made my way to Kagura's funeral.  
  
I gently pushed open the door and walked down the aisle. I would have been crying if I hadn't already sqeezed every last drop of moisture out of my eyes.   
  
I walked shakily towards her coffin.  
  
The people, the service, everything was blurred except for that one object, that one object that I saw every detail of. The delicate carvings, the shine of the satin lining, the all-too-pale face of the once vibrant jewel that lay inside.  
  
"Kagura," I whispered. I was leaning against the side of the coffin for support. "I loved you. I love you. I...wanted to tell you...so badly...But you left me..." I pushed a strand of hair behind one of her ears. "Yuki doesn't matter to me anymore, Kagura. You're the only one I want." Without even thinking, I bent over the edge of the coffin and lightly brushed my lips against hers. They were so cold...Sayoonara.  
  
I looked at her one last time, still bent over her, before I straightened up, turned around, and walked out of the room.  
  
Maybe people had been looking at me, I don't know. Everything except that coffin was soo blurry. The sounds, the colors, even the smells, all the edges blurred together, one spectrum into the other.  
  
Before I knew it, I was beneath the tree Kagura had taken her last breath under. I looked up longingly at its branches and began to climb.  
  
-Hatsuharu Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I watched Hatsuharu as he walked down the aisle with the empty eyes of a zombie. No one else moved, all we did was watch, everyone frozen to their seats. Once he had left, a wave of panic swept over me. Just where would he be going anyway?  
  
I grabbed my blazer, which I had hung on the back of the chair, and tore out of the room.  
  
When I made it outside, the sunlight temporarily blinded me for a moment, the contrast between that darkened room and the afternoon sun was startling.  
  
The rustle of leaves from a nearby tree caught my attention. There was no wind. Not even a small bit, and the motion that I had caught out of the corner of my eye had been far to great for it to be caused by the weight of a mere squirrel.  
  
I raced toward the tree. "Hatsuharu! What are you doing?! Get down!"  
  
He looked at me, but it was as if he couldn't see me. His eyes were blank. And he smiled. He smiled as he turned his back to me and let go of the branch he had been using to balance himself. And then he jumped, but it seemed more like he let himself fall...He fell straight to the ground, head first.  
  
The sickening crack that reverberated in the air afterward made my stomach lurch.  
  
I fell to my knees.   
  
He wasn't the only one who had lost someone. Kana...  
  
"Hatsuharu...," I whispered. "You weren't the only one who lived in pain, you know?...We...all of the cursed of the Sohma family...bare a terrible pain in our hearts...Why did you have to give up?...Why?..."  
  
-Hatori Sohma  
  
~~~ 


	17. Entry 17

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
I looked at Yuki, he shrugged his shoulders. We couldn't very well put her on one of our backs, that would just lead to a transformation, and that wouldn't help at all.  
  
We were in a tight spot. I could feel a sweatdrop forming on the back of my head.  
  
A bunch of random plans flashed through my mind. Yuki holding Tohru's feet and me holding her arms, carrying her out. We lay her on a sheet or something, and then each of us grab an end and use it like a hammock. We hold hands and she sits on them, then we each grab one of her arms and hold them to our shoulders...And considering the former ones seemed like a stretch, and I really didn't want to hold rat-boy's hand, all my plans were thrown in the 'scrap' pile.  
  
Yuki looked like he was having about as much trouble coming up with a plan as I was. He had spaced out, and was staring at a random patch of air in the schoolyard. This was going no where, fast.  
  
I dropped my head and sighed. "Tohru, why won't you just come home with us?" I grabbed her hand and waited for her to look up so our eyes could meet. They slowly crept up to peer into mine. "Please?"  
  
Her eyes were brimmed with tears. Oh no....Come on....  
  
Yuki wrapped his own hand around hers and began to stand up. "Come on, now, Tohru, let's go home."  
  
I began to stand as well. My ankles were starting to hurt from squatting, anyway.  
  
She hesitantly got to her feet. Her legs were shaking when she was finally standing straight up.  
  
"Let's go Tohru," Yuki said as he smiled at her. She nodded.  
  
"Come on, let's go," I encouraged her.  
  
Out of the corner of my eye, I swear she smiled. Maybe it was only for a brief moment, an instant, but I still think she smiled.  
  
-Kyo Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
No one expected to hear that Hatsuharu had died in the courtyard.   
  
There were many shocked faces at the reception after Kagura's funeral. They all had thought he had just gone permenantly Black, and although that would have been annoying and would've taken a little getting used to, they all had accepted it. None of them had seen this coming. None of them had expected to see two Sohmas, and of the zodiac no less, put in the ground that day.  
  
Everyone was uneasy at Hatsuharu's funeral. Maybe it was because they had just sat down to eat and now where being rushed back into the room they had been in just hours before, or maybe it was because they never expected to see the color of Hatsuharu's skin match his hair so early in his life.  
  
Akito also wasn't thrilled by the fact that all of the zodiac couldn't be there. Kyo and Yuki had ran off in the middle of Kagura's service in order to look for Tohru and now they were missing the farewell to a friend that they didn't even know was gone.  
  
What am I going to tell them when I get home? Was the only thing I could think. How is Tohru going to take all of this?...She already feels guilty about Kagura's death, and now...  
  
All I could do was sit there and pay my respect to the white and black haired teen who's life had ended far too soon.  
  
Please, Tohru. Please know that this isn't your fault. We dont need....We don't need to relive this again with different faces in those coffins.  
  
-Shigure Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
We walked slowly back to our house, because going back ot the main estate was completely out of the question. None of us wanted to head back there now. I felt guilty and disrespectful, running out on Kagura's service like that, but she was dead, and Tohru was still alive, and I wanted Tohru to stay that way. I was too late for Kagura, but I cared about Tohru too much to see her meet the same fate.  
  
We had to walk back to the house slowly because Tohru was still unsteady on her feet. Though I know either of us would have gladly carried her, that just couldn't happen.  
  
"Where's Hatsuharu when you need him?" I said jokingly, refering to back when he had transformed into an ox just to carry a sick Yuki home.   
  
The mood seemed to worsen. I felt guilty about mentioning Hatsuharu. Something about it seemed more wrong than it should have been.  
  
- - -  
  
When we finally got home, we were all weary from the day's events, and night had already fallen.  
  
While I let myself fall into a sitting postion on the floor, Yuki walked around the house, turning a few lights on.  
  
"Shigure," he said, when he returned to the room where me and Tohru were sitting. "He's not home."  
  
I looked at him with widened eyes. "What do you mean? He should have been home hours ago!"   
  
Yuki shook his head. I was concerned. What could have possibly delayed Shigure that much?  
  
It was then that we heard someone open the front door.  
  
Shigure looked into the room and seemed to look as if he had expected to see us, yet he was surprised to see us at the same time. There was a very solemn look on his face. He knew something we didn't. I could feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up.  
  
"Shigure....What's wrong?" I asked.  
  
I could tell he didn't want to say it. His frown intensified along with his expression of grief. "Haru...Hatsuharu...He was...He was laid into the ground with Kagura today." He looked at the floor.  
  
Yuki's eyes grew wide. "Shigure...you're not serious!...Haru...?"  
  
Shigure's eyes looked blank, devoid of any light. "Tohru...," he said, looking at her with an agonized expression.   
  
I looked at Tohru. Her eyes had gone blank. She was in a state of shock. I started to get worried.  
  
"Please...it's not your fault....You have to listen to me...."  
  
Everyone in the room could tell that she couldn't hear him.  
  
"Tohru!" I yelled. No response. "Tohru!" I slapped her across the face. "You have to listen to Shigure! It's not your fault!"  
  
Her eyes welled up with tears as she looked at me. She then hung her head and brought her knees up to her chest.  
  
I could feel my eyes start to water as well. I could hear her sniffling. I put my arm around her. "Tohru. It's okay. It's not your fault."  
  
"You're...wrong...," I heard her mumble through tears. "This...this would have never happened...if I hadn't shown up here..." She stood up, and walked to her room, her head still hung. All I could do was sit there and watch in shock as she walked away. Even Yuki looked shocked.  
  
"Tohru!" he said. She didn't turn around. She didn't even stop walking.  
  
The house was so quite that all of us heard her door close.  
  
-Kyo Sohma  
  
~~~ 


	18. Entry 18

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
It felt like the past was coming back to haunt us. Tohru wouldn't leave her room. She just seemed to get worse and worse. Her flame to live was dying the same way Kagura's was, slowly flickering out by the wind of depression.  
  
By the third day I couldn't take it anymore. We had all tried talking to her, but she listened to us with deaf ears. All she did was lay in bed, under her blankets, as the days and nights passed by. I had had enough. I went upstairs with leek porridge with the idea of forcing it down her throat. I did not want to lose her the same way I had lost Kagura.  
  
Yuki looked at me with shock as I walked by him, but must have thought I was doing the right thing, because he didn't stop me as I walked up the stairs.  
  
I opened the door to Tohru's room and stepped inside with my tray, carefully closing the door behind me.  
  
I sat down the tray that held the food I had prepared on a stand beside her bed. I didn't wear goggles and a face mask this time.  
  
"Eat," I said monotonously as I stood behind the tray, looking at her. There was no response. Her back was to me. "Eat," I said again. Still no response.  
  
I walked in front of the stand and leaned over her. "Eat, Tohru." Nothing.   
  
I was getting desperate. I kneeled on the bed and rolled her over. "Tohru, you have to eat." She looked at me with blank eyes.  
  
I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped. I placed one of my knees on either side of Tohru's own and leaned over her. I took a spoonful of porridge and held it up to her. "Eat." There was nothing.  
  
I forced it into her mouth. "Swallow." Her eyes were still blank. "Goddamit Tohru! Swallow the stupid porridge!" Nothing.   
  
I pinched her nose. Now she either had to swallow it, or drown.  
  
With relief, I watched as she swallowed it, barely catching the tears that were building up in her eyes.  
  
I sat back a bit as I scooped up another spoonful out of the bowl. She ate that one, and the next. I didn't give her too much, knowing that it wouldn't be of any use to feed her and then have her stomach throw it up later.  
  
Yuki's and Shigure's lips twitched in an attempt to smile as I placed the empty bowl in the sink.  
  
***  
  
This went on for a couple of days, until it came to the point where I could physically notice that she was regaining her strength.  
  
Slowly she came out of it. Briefly, and then more often, the light returned to her eyes.  
  
I helped her through the entire time. I sat with her when she cried. Hugged her, even though I knew the cost, and slept by her side as a trusty cat when there were no other ways to comfort her. She would always smile when she looked into the cat's eyes. Maybe there was something true in that statement I had heard long ago, that animals help people get over their grief, that they help people to heal.  
  
After a month, she was walking around again, and after a few more her precious smile was back, and the dark clouds that had settled over that Sohma house finally dissipated to show clear, sunny skies.  
  
A year later, Tohru had completely recovered. Her smile was as bright as ever, and the grief that had once ruled her heart was still somewhat there, but controlled so that it didn't control her.  
  
And let me tell you, you have no idea how good it felt, and still feels, to see her smile once again.  
  
But then something happened, something we all should have expected, but had forgotten about in that year, and those following, when we were all healing. The curse was still upon the Sohma family after all, and the boar and the ox couldn't so soon be completely forgotten.  
  
-Kyo Sohma 


	19. Entry 19

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
It was almost three years later at the Sohma family New Year's party that the shock came. Akito decided that Tohru could be allowed to attend the main party, just not the one for the zodiac members.  
  
Neither Yuki, Shigure, Tohru nor I, expected what we saw then.  
  
***  
  
As usual, we walked to the main Sohma house a little reluctantly, not exactly savouring the prospect of having to spend the first three days of the new year with the zodiac. Of course, these years had been different, there had been no Kagura to harass me, or Hatsuharu to do similar to Yuki.  
  
That was where we were wrong.  
  
In a sense, anyway. The beginning of the party was normal. Everyone walked around and had casual conversations about the events that had taken place over the past year, who had married who, what friends had gone off to college and what not, picking over the food that was set out on a long buffet table. The mood was pretty cheery taking into consideration the two deaths that had taken place not too long ago.  
  
No sooner had I gotten into a conversation that a toodler I had noticed running around earlier latched herself onto my leg. I looked down into familar gray-brown eyes and my heart skipped a beat as I took in the face that was surrounded by brown hair.   
  
"K-kagura?" The child gave me an odd look, like I was some strange person.  
  
"What are you talking about? My name's Kaga." She smiled afterward, like she knew something I didn't. "You must be Kyo! I can tell by the orange hair! You're the cat, right? My friend and I were looking for you before, did you just arrive? Let me go get him!"  
  
No sooner had she latched on, she was off again, running to go fetch one of her friends. I, on the other hand, was standing there in shock, with a hand over my heart, wondering if I was having, or had just had, a heart attack. I could feel sweat builing on the sides of my face and the back of my neck.  
  
My face lost what little color it had left when I met the friend she dragged back with her. Actually, that's not true. Meeting him wasn't scary, it was the mop of white hair on his head that was scary.  
  
Kaga smiled up at me again. "His name's Harusaki. We've been friends since we were born. Our parents said that since we were so similar in age, that we should stay at the Sohma house together and become good friends, nee Haru?"  
  
The boy looked at me and nodded. I, on the other hand, was not as cheerful as Kaga was, I was too busy becoming paranoid from the way he was looking at me. It was a look of intense dislike, almost like he hated me for something I had done to him.  
  
He then looked at Kaga briefly enough to grab her hand, before turning his gaze back to me. "Nee, Kaga, are you done now? Let's go see how the other juunishi are doing, k? Besides, this guy isn't really one of them anyway, he's just the cat." His gaze went back and forth between us while he talked. In the end, Kaga agreed.  
  
"Mmm. Okay." She looked at me and smiled. "Jaa," she said and waved. "We'll see you later, Kyo-chan!" I could merely watch in shock as they disappeared into the crowd.  
  
No...way....  
  
-Kyo Sohma  
  
~~~ 


	20. Entry 20

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
I was still in shock when Hatori walked over to me.   
  
"I was looking for you....Are you okay?" He must have noticed my small pupils as well as my pale, clammy skin. He was a doctor, after all.  
  
"I'm not quite sure Ha-san."  
  
He looked at me questioningly, then he started to speak again. "Anyway, I came to ask you a favor. You know how some mothers reject the zodiac children. We've had another problem with that. Kaga. The boar. Have you met her?"  
  
I nodded slowly. It was then that he probably realized where my symptoms had come from.  
  
"Her parents. Her mother kept her for a year or so, but then decided that she just couldn't take it anymore. She left her here, her father explaining to Akito afterwards why they couldn't take care of her, and begging him to take her off their hands. She was left to me. Harusaki, the ox, joined her not too long afterward. Their parents...We think that the deaths of the former juunishi with their animals might have caused their parents' unneeded worry about their children's well being...So they brought them here. One of the couples already had another child, and have done their best to forget about Kaga. Harusaki's parents...had their memories erased."  
  
"Why...did you hide this from me....From Tohru...From everyone else...?" I was looking at the floor, wide-eyed.  
  
"You all were still healing, now you need to know the truth because..." I looked up at him. "Beause I can't take care of her anymore."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Well, she is female, after all. She needs someone, a female older than her, to look up to. That's why I suggested to Shigure that she move in with you."  
  
I took a step away from him. "You...You can't be serious!"  
  
"I know how you feel about Kagara, that you still feel guilty. You and Tohru can help raise Kaga together. Maybe it will lessen your pain."  
  
I couldn't move. I just stood there, shocked, staring at Hatori, wide-eyed, my jaw having dropped earlier in the conversation.   
  
"I just figured I'd tell you. Akito agrees."  
  
Hatori turned to leave. "M-matte!" He turned partially back around. "What about...Haru...Harusaki?" His back was facing me again.  
  
"He'll be staying here with me." And then he walked off.  
  
-Kyo Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: This is the last chapter I have written (since I normally write them ahead of time). It seems that through the course of this fanfic, less and less people have remained reading it so, here's the deal. I have no idea how much longer this fanfic is going to be, so I want to make sure that at least five people are reading it. If I get five reviews saying that those people wish me to continue the story, then I will. If not, then it stops here. On a cliffhanger...So please tell me if you think I should continue or not. Thank you!   
  
-Tigress of the Moon 


	21. Entry 21

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
A/N: *jaw drops* *sniffle* People are actually reading my fic. *sniffle* That makes me so happy! *gets teary eyed* Yeah I know, I'm nuts, but the fics I'm always interested in writing, no one reads. And the fanfics I lose interest in, people want me to finish. It's very frustrating. *nods* Well, since you all asked for it, here it is! (Minor side note: I have no idea how much longer this fanfic is going to be...Again...Aw, well! Enjoy!)  
  
~~~  
  
I had lived with Harusaki as far back as I could remember, tough I know stuff happened before then. I remember someone telling me that because me and Haru were born so close, that it was a sign we should be together, and it's been that way ever since. Even though I've only lived with him for two years, it feels like I've known him for so much longer, and I don't know why. He's told me he feels the same way, and he's constantly asking me not to leave him again. In puzzlement I'd ask him what he meant, but he'd never know, it was just a feeling that he had. Maybe it had to do something with how we felt we knew each other for longer, which is weird, because we've been living with each other practially since we were born.  
  
I don't know. It's weird. And there're times, when I accidentally call him 'Hatsuharu' and he turns around and goes 'what?' But...that's not his name...and I know it's not...and yet....I don't know. It's weird. It happened around Hatori a couple of times when he was doing his work, and he turned around in his chair and stared at us. All we could do was stare back and go "what?" He'd then shake his heard and turn back around, muttering something about "reincarnations," whatever that means.  
  
But it's all alright! Or it was, anyway, until my life fell apart. Well, not literally, that would be kind-of hard. But...you see...I found out something...Something I don't think I was supposed to know, but over-heard the grown ups talking about it at the New Year's Eve party.   
  
I was leaving. And Haru wasn't coming with me. I wouldn't of cared if I was going to live at this "Shigure's House," but what about Haru? What about us staying together? It didn't make any sense. I wanted to stay with Uncle Hatori and Haru, but what I thought didn't matter. Even I, as young as I am, know that Akito is the one that controls what goes on around and at...or in... the Sohma house. I didn't have a word in it. But that wouldn't stop me from kicking and screaming...and crying too.  
  
-Kaga Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
The cat.  
  
Something about him. There's something about him. Something I don't like.  
  
As I walked away from him, holding Kaga's hand, I felt a burning in my heart, like a fire was growing there. I could feel something shift inside of me. Something about him....  
  
"Nee, Kaga?"  
  
She looked at me, an innocent look on her face. "Hai?"  
  
"Sore neko. That cat...There's somthing about him...Something I don't like...I don't know what it is," I raised my hand to my face, then lowered it. "But I don't like him." I put a hand on each of her shoulders. "Promise me you'll stay away from him."   
  
Kaga looked at me, a little scared, a little confused. Then she smiled. And nodded. "Hai."  
  
I sighed. That was a relief. I grasped her hand in my own again, and smiled myself. "Good. Then let's go."  
  
-Harusaki Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
"Tohru, there's something I have to tell you."  
  
I turned around, and, noticing it was Shigure, excused myself from the conversation I was having with Ri-chan-san's mother. She, of course, backed up, bowing, saying it was her fault and to please forgive her. I tried to convince her otherwise, but in the end, I had to give up, because by then she was beyond speaking distance.  
  
"Hai, Shigure?" I turned to face him. Ri-chan-san's mother had disappeared in the crowd.  
  
There was a solemn, almost sad look on his face. My heart skipped a beat. "A-ano...Daijoubu?"  
  
He tried to smile. It didn't work. It wasn't real. "Someone else is moving into the Shigure house."  
  
I smiled. "Really, who?" This could be fun! I wonder who it could be! It would have to be one of the zodiac, right? But who...  
  
"Kaga." My heart skipped a beat.  
  
"A-ano...could you please repeat that, Shigure-san?"  
  
"The boar. Kaga."   
  
It was then that my face drained of all color.  
  
"Nee, Tohru. It's all right. Hatori just wants her to be around an older female, someone she can look up to. She can't live with him any longer."  
  
"Excuse me, but, may I know? What happened to her parents?"  
  
Shigure looked at the floor. "They rejected her. The same thing happened with the ox, Harusaki. They were....They both were born very shortly after the deaths of the two other juunishi with their symbols, and so...there parents....couldn't deal with it...Kaga's parents already have another child...And they're doing their best to forget about 'the mistake' that they made with their first one. Harusaki's parents took things differently. They had their memories erased."  
  
Pictures flashed through my mind. It had been years since I had seen them. I thought they had finally been gone for good. Hatsuharu....Kagura....  
  
My knees started to tremble and I thought I was going to fall, but I leaned on a table next to me for support.  
  
Shigure noticed this and took a step forward, looking straight at me. "Tohru..."  
  
I shook my head. "Daijoubu. Please don't worry, it's okay. I'm fine. I just need to sit down...to rest for a bit...Maybe that's why members outside the Sohma family aren't allowed to this party. It's a bit strenuous, I guess, for people like me."  
  
He didn't follow me to the chairs lined against the wall on the opposite side of the room. I sat down and put my elbows on my knees, then rested my face in my hands. Looking down at the floor through my fingers, all I could think was, Oh Mom, help me. What do I do now?  
  
Of course, my moment of deep thought didn't last for long. I small face was soon looking up at me from the floor. "What'cha doin'?" The gray-brown eyes and brown hair scared me more than the actual words.  
  
I jumped back, or at least tried to, all I ended up doing was slamming my back into the back of the chair.   
  
"Are you alright?" The little girl cocked her head to one side, and then smiled. "My name's Kaga, what's yours?"  
  
-Tohru Honda  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: You wanna know something funny? I broke all the guidelines I had set for this fanfic before I started to write it. Hmn...Let's see...First off, Kagura wasn't gong to die...Second, Hatsuharu was NOT going to fall in love with Kagura, no matter what, because that would just be really wrong...It was also not supposed to be that long, like around ten chapters....There weren't going to be any reincarnations and it was going to have a happy ending with the original characters....If anything, it was going to be a Kagura/OC fanific! I had planned that to happen, and what the person was going to be like and everything, and then...Well...It didn't happen that way. There's more to this list, but I can't tell you them because it would spoil the ending! Oh, and, by the way, Hatsuharu is my favorite character too. See ya next chapter!  
  
-Tigress of the Moon 


	22. Entry 22

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
The knuckles on my hand were white I was gripping the fabric that rested above my heart so tightly. The shirt I was wearing wasn't the same after that.  
  
So this is the girl Shigure was talking about...The similarities are startiling....  
  
The little girl's head was still cocked to one side. "Daijoubu?"  
  
I shook my head to clear my mind of the flood of thoughts that had rushed in after seeing the girl...Kaga...that's what her name is...Okay.  
  
I smiled. "Hai. I'm fine. My name's Tohru. Nice to meet you."  
  
Kaga smiled back. "Nice to meet you too. Hatori mentioned you a couple of times. You're not a Sohma, right? But you know the secret." She smiled again. "Can you guess what animal I am?" She cocked her head to one side, grinning broadly.  
  
"The boar?"   
  
She nodded her head enthusiastically. "Want me to go get my friend? If you know what I am, then you should definately be able to figure out what he is!"  
  
The color drained from my face for the second time that evening, but I managed to smile anyway. "Sure. I'd love to meet him."  
  
Still smiling, she turned to leave saying, "Okay! I'll be right back!" and disappeared into the forest of legs that were the guests at the party.  
  
She returned shortly afterward. My hunch was correct. A small boy, about the same age as she, was being led by the hand towards me. His mess of white hair told me without a doubt who he was.  
  
She pushed him directly in front of me. "This is Harusaki. Can you guess what he is?"  
  
I managed to smile again...barely. "The ox?"  
  
Kaga grinned. "Wow, you're really good!"  
  
Harusaki smiled, but not half as enthusiastically as Kaga. He bowed slightly. "It's a pleasure to meet you."  
  
"Oh! Hai!" I bowed slightly myself. "It's a pleasure to meet you as well."  
  
As I was coming back up I saw Hatori approaching out of the corner of my eye. I wonder why Hatori's coming over this way?...  
  
-Tohru Honda  
  
~~~  
  
Noticing that Tohru and Kaga had finally met each other's aquaintence, I decided that it was a good time to break the news to Kaga. She would have to find out eventually, anyway. And that was only if she didn't already know.  
  
"It's nice to see you again, Tohru."  
  
She looked up at me. "Oh. Hai, Hatori. It's nice to see you again as well. How are you?"  
  
I managed a small smile. "I'm fine. Yourself?" She is slightly paler than usual...  
  
"I'm good, thanks."  
  
I knelt down so I was at the same level as Kaga and Tohru, since they were both significantly lower than I, one short standing and the other sitting in a chair. "I see you finally met Tohru," I said to Kaga. She nodded.   
  
"I'm glad. Because you too are going to be spending a lot more time together."  
  
-Hatori Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
A chill overtook my body and gave me goosebumps. "T-then...Shigure-san wasn't lying...." I couldn't stop from shaking.  
  
Hatori stood up and took a step toward me. "Kaga...are you alright?"  
  
I stepped away from his hand, shaking my head quickly back and forth. "Iee. I'm not alright..."  
  
Seeing the confused look on Haru's face, I side-stepped toward him, putting him between me and Uncle Hatori. Standing behind him, I took his hand in my own. "They're going to take me away, Haru. They don't want me to live with Uncle Hatori anymore. They want me to live with her instead....and you won't be coming with me..." I was nearly crying at this time, I could feel the tears building in my eyes, nearly ready to overflow.   
  
I saw Hatori's hand approach us. "DON'T LET THEM TAKE ME AWAY!!!" I screamed and bent my head down, cowering behind Haru, the tears coming freely now.  
  
-Kaga Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I felt something inside me snap, a shift I had only felt once before.  
  
"Don't touch Kagura."  
  
-Haru Sohma  
  
~~~ 


	23. Entry 23

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
I felt everyone who heard the word jump. A word that hadn't been uttered in years, that everyone had tried to forget, had tried to erase since they saw it on that tombstone those too few years ago.  
  
I felt the strength drain out of me with the rest of my remaining color.  
  
"Ka...gura...?" My eyes had lost all of their light.  
  
Haru shook his head and looked at me. "Huh?...Who's that?...The name sounds familiar..."  
  
-Tohru Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
The name drew my attention as well. For a second, I had thought it was my own, for I felt something deep inside me grab hold of the name and bond to it....Or maybe that bond had been there before...It was like I had heard the word a thousand times...Like it was mine...My own...My name...  
  
But...it wasn't...Was it?...Kaga....was my name...right?  
  
I was scared. I wrapped my arms around Harusaki, I didn't want to let him go. Something inside me, something burrowed deep inside my heart, didn't want to leave him. I loved him...I don't know if it was the kind the adults talk about, but our connection was definately deep, and I didn't want to leave him...Not ever.  
  
-Kaga Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
My thoughts of anger vanished, and I felt normal once again.  
  
"Kagura..." I brought a hand up to my face. "Why does that name sound familiar?"  
  
I turned my head to look behind me, at Kaga who was gripping me tightly. Then my eyes shifted to look at Hatori, my head still turned, my hand partially hiding my face. "Why is it so familiar?"  
  
Hatori's face had never been this pale before. But I was too worried, my thoughts wandering too far, to care about him at a time like this.  
  
-Haru Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I had heard him call her that before, but had truly thought nothing of it. It was when they were younger, when they were first learning to speak after they had come to me.  
  
I hadn't truly thought they were reincarnations, but I had mumbled the word under my breath when I heard Haru call Kaga "Kagura." My heart had skipped a beat the first time I heard him use that word.  
  
I swung my chair around, because it was one of the office ones that turns, and looked, questioningly, at Harusaki and Kaga. They both looked back at me and said,"What?" and then continued to play with their blocks as if nothing had happened. I had closed my eyes and shook my head before I turned back around.  
  
Now it had happened again, and this time it wasn't merely coincidence.  
  
-Hatori Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
My grip around Haru tightened, and I pushed my head harder against his back, my face looking toward the floor. "Nee, Haru?...You're not going to let them take me...are you?"  
  
I felt one of his hands on my shoulder. "I will protect you, Kagura."  
  
He took a step backward. I looked up to see why. Hatori had his hand out, reaching toward me and Haru and Haru was doing as he promised.  
  
"Leave her alone."  
  
"I can't," Hatori sighed. "Akito's orders. She has to go live with Shigure. Besides, I can't raise her much longer anyway. She needs one of her own gender to look up to, and there's no one around here that can spare enough time to be that type of role model for her."  
  
"Then I'll go with her," Haru said unflinchingly. He was like a two-ton boulder. It was going to be hard to move him. "There has to be someone I can look up to there as well." He looked at Tohru. I could tell because I felt his body shift. "Nee, aren't you living with Kyo and Shigure-san?" He looked back at Hatori. "Then why can't I move in there as well?"  
  
"There's not enough room." I saw a shadow pass over us and then shrink to the floor. Hatori must have been kneeling down in front of us. "There's already Kyo and Yuki living at Shigure's house, never mind Tohru, and then Shigure himself. The house is going to be over-full with Kaga being added, never mind another person."  
  
"I can share a room with Kaga. We have this far." I nodded in agreement. This was true. How could he be a burden if we stayed together?  
  
Hatori shook his head. The shadow that was cast between Haru's feet was moving side to side. "No. You two can't live together any longer. You're starting to grow up and soon that's going to be unacceptable."  
  
Haru moved, widening his stance. He was trying to be, to act, tough, still trying to protect me, keeping to his word. "Why?...That's not fair!" I could feel him getting angry. "You can't so this!" He raised his fists and then slammed them into his sides. Then, something inside him shifted, something that made my heart go cold, something that gave me chills. The attitude in his voice changed. It was now deadly serious, like it had been far earlier in the conflict. "I won't let you take her away."  
  
-Kaga Sohma  
  
~~~ 


	24. Entry 24

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
...Those eyes... I took a step backward. I had gotten out of my seat to help Hatori calm Kaga and Haru down, but as soon as I saw the change in Haru's eyes, I nearly stumbled over my chair I backed up so quickly. ...It can't be...Haru's....gone black?... My eyes widened in shock and disbelief. ...There's no way!...He's...he's a toddler...He can't even be three yet!...Why would he...?! And then something he had said earlier echoed throughout my thoughts. 'Don't touch Kagura.'...Could it be?...Could he truly remember...who he was?...No...There's no way...Right?....Could he possible be...was he....Hatsuharu?...But...What's the chance of that happening? My hand was covering my mouth now for my jaw had begun to drop. There's no way....that this boy...is Hatsuharu...Right?   
  
Before I knew what I was doing, my hand was already at my side, the word was already out of my mouth. "Hatsuharu...?"  
  
Harusaki looked straight at me with those cold, piercing eyes, devoid of any light. "Nani?" He said, searching my own eyes for the answer to his question. But he quickly lost interest when he saw I was too scared to respond, as well as having sunk far too deep into my own thoughts to give him an answer.  
  
-Honda Tohru  
  
~~~  
  
I reached towards him with my hand, hoping to calm him down with it's touch. "Listen, Haru-"  
  
He slapped my hand away. "Don't touch us," he said in a cold, monotone voice. Kaga was still cowering behind him.  
  
I'm all out of ideas....  
  
And then the last thing I expected to happen occurred. I hadn't even seen him walk over, hadn't even sensed it, for that matter. But no sooner had I realized that there was nothing more I could do, I flesh-colored blur swung toward Haru. He flew into the air and crashed into the chairs lining the wall.  
  
I looked over just in time to see Akito placing his hand back at his side as he was frowning down at him.  
  
"Baka. Listen to me." His frown turned into a deep scowl. "You have no other choice. You will let Kaga be taken to Shigure's to stay with Tohru and you will stay here and be raised by Hatori." He didn't even wait for a response. He knew his word was law, and after glaring at the boy for a few moments after talking, he turned around and left as if nothing had happened.  
  
I just watched him leave, still kneeling on the floor, in total shock and surprised by the whole event. And then my eyes wandered over to Haru, who's back was leaning against the chairs, one of his hands grasping a growing lump on his head, a grimace on his face, his eyes starting to water. Kaga, after looking shocked for a moment, rushed over to his side and leaned toward him like a mother bird worried about her chick.  
  
"Chikusho...."  
  
-Hatori Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
My anger subsided as the pain in my head began to throb. I could feel a lump forming where my skull had met the metal legs of the chairs. And these weren't folding chairs, either, so you can imagine how much that impact hurt.  
  
As soon as I opened my eyes, because I had been squeezing them shut in pain, the very first thing I saw was Kagura leaning towards me, looking very concerned. She nearly looked about ready to cry.  
  
"Haru...chan....Are you okay?"  
  
I nodded, still grasping my head, and then I tried putting my feet beneath me to stand, in order to prove to her that I was okay, but as soon as I tried this, more pain rushed up into my head, and I ended up sliding back down again. This is not good....  
  
-Haru Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I was so full of anxiety and worry for Haru I was almost crying. "Hatori...." I said, looking at him with eyes pleading for his help.  
  
Hatori nodded and came over to examine Haru...But as soon as he made to move Haru's hand away from the injured part of his head, Haru slapped his hand away.  
  
"I'm fine," he said through clenched teeth as he tried to stand to his feet again.  
  
This time he succeeded, but not for long. His eyes got a glazed-over look and his legs started to wobble. Not long after this, his knees buckled and he collapsed onto the floor.  
  
My hands flew up to my mouth in worry, but before I could even start to try to pick him up, Hatori had already bent down and scooped him up into his arms.  
  
He then looked at Tohru. "Tohru, watch Kaga while I go tend to Harusaki." His eyes seemed to focus inward for a second, like he had more to say and wasn't sure if he should say it or not.  
  
In the end, he ended up just slightly shaking his head and then turning his back to us as he walked away, a limp Harusaki in his arms. I watched Haru's dangling arm until I could see it no more, the crowd of people seeming to have swallowed them both. It was then that I looked over at Tohru. That moment I was torn between two emotions: hatred and worry. I hated Tohru because of what was happening to me and Haru because of her, and I was worried about Haru's present state and what was to come.  
  
-Kaga Sohma  
  
~~~ 


	25. Entry 25

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
All of that happened in the first day, and, as you know, the Sohmas spend the first three days of the new year after that together.  
  
Harusaki was all right in the end. He suffered from a minor concussion and the swelling did go down with time. The eye of the storm passed over the party the second day and the tension could almost be felt in the air the third, the day when everyone was to return home, and Kaga was going to leave with us.  
  
She and Harusaki, of course, had other plans. No matter how hard everyone tried to split them up, to get them used to being apart, it was to no avail. They always found a way to be together.   
  
A few hours before we were planning to leave, both went missing, and no one was pleased, especially not Akito.  
  
-Honda Tohru  
  
~~~  
  
We were running.  
  
"Nee, Haru? Are you sure this is going to work?" We were racing across the main Sohma estate, Haru leading the way, my hand in his. He was running so fast I could barely manage to keep up, and a couple of times I felt more like I was flying through the air then running on the land.  
  
This was our plan, to take off, disappear when everyone was expecting us to be at the party. It's really easy to slip between the legs of adults when you're small, and we escaped without any problems.  
  
One small thing kept prodding the back of my mind though. "Haru, where are we going? And...and what are we going to do when we get there?...We're still going to go back when this whole thing blows over....right?"  
  
I looked over my shoulder, back in the direction of the party, and where Sohmas like us would soon be leaving and then would notice we were gone.  
  
"No, there's no turning back now." I could feel all the color leaving my face. "Can't you see we can't do that now?" He looked over his shoulder at me. "I...," he blinked and turned his head forward for a moment. "I don't want to lose you again." He then looked straight ahead and seemed to even pick up the pace more.  
  
I nearly laughed. "What are you talking about, silly! You never lost me! We've been together since babies! We've never truly been apart." I was smiling. Haru shook his head.  
  
"No...It's not like that..." He sighed. "It feels," he put his free hand over his heart. "It feels much deeper than that...I don't know." He shook his head. "I just don't know."  
  
I put my free hand on top of the one he was using to grasp mine. "Don't worry, Haru," I said with a smile. "I'll always be with you."  
  
He looked at me and smiled, but there were tears in his eyes. This is what the adults must have meant when they called things "bittersweet." I never understood that phrase. I mean, how could something be bitter and sweet at the same time? It didn't make any sense!...But the tears in his eyes caused by the fear in his heart, and the smiled on his face caused by his love for me...together, they truly were bittersweet...  
  
This whole escape was bittersweet, for, we both knew, that in the end, it would prove useless, that there was no way two toddlers could escape from Akito, and that we would be torn from each other in the end.  
  
"Ai shiteru, Haru." I said, tears in my eyes. The adults had told me not to use this phrase when I liked someone, that it was too deep, too serious, but my feelings didn't fit in any other category, as young as I was.  
  
"Mo ai shiteru, Kaga."  
  
And then we kept running.  
  
-Kaga Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
Almost everyone had left now. There were fields between the trees that were people's legs, large open spaces that were once filled with many guests. It was then that I began to look around, and noticed that the extra person I was supposed to take home was missing.  
  
"Nee, Ayame?" I turned and looked at him, since he was standing right next to me as we had been having a conversation a few moments ago.   
  
"Nani, Shigure?"  
  
"Have you seen Kaga at all today?" I looked back out into the crowd of people.  
  
Ayame looked around the room and then shook his head. "Now that you say that, I don't think I did....That's odd, isn't it? Weren't Haru and her normally running around most of the time? I haven't seen either of them at all today...Hmn..."  
  
The thought struck me like an arrow to the head. "They didn't..."  
  
"Hmn...Nani?" Ayame leaned over and looked into my face. "What's wrong 'Gure-san?"  
  
"They're gone!" I said, as I ran across the room. "They escaped!" I yelled.   
  
With that, I ran out of the doors on the side of the house and into the courtyard. There were no signs of them in any direction.  
  
Akito's not going to be too happy about this.  
  
-Shigure Sohma  
  
~~~ 


	26. Entry 26

Kokoro no Hitan  
  
No matter what I did, they still managed to take her away.   
  
They had cornered us by a patch of forest. I was standing a few feet in front of Kaga, who had her back up against a tree.  
  
Soon they had a circle formed around us, and all I could do was yell out threats everytime someone took a step forward.  
  
"Leave us alone! Don't come near us! We don't want to be a part of you anymore! We don't want to be Sohmas! All we truly wanted to do was to be together and you won't even allow us that! Go away!" I screamed, but after I screamed that, I heard a scream behind me. A scream that was muffled almost as soon as it began.   
  
I whipped my head, and then my whole body, around. "Kagara!" Someone had some up behind her and put their hand over her mouth as they picked her up off of the ground.  
  
I stepped toward them. "Put her down!" I yelled. They made no move to do so. "I said put her down!" I went to run towards the person, but something behind me stopped me. It was then that I realized my fatal error. I had turned my back to the other people that had made up the circle, and now they had me, and there was nothing I could do.  
  
A sharp pain shot in my arm for an instant, and then the whole world seemed to sway and blur. I blinked and it turned grey and fuzzy. The next time I blinked I didn't open my eyes again as I faded into black.  
  
-Haru Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I screamed and cried as they carried me away, kicking furiously. I didn't want them to take me away. No, No, NO! Put me down! PUT ME DOWN!!! Haru? Haru! HARU, where are you? Where'd you go?  
  
I stopped struggling for a moment when I noticed his limp form being held in the arms of someone walking in front of whoever was holding me. After I got over the inital shock, I started screaming even louder and kicking even harder. When that didn't work, I tried biting the hand that was covering my mouth.  
  
No sooner had I begun this fit I felt something sharp poke into my arm. It was like when I had leaned against a really sharp stick in the woods when me and Haru were playing there during the previous summer. But something about this poke was different, for instead of the pain getting worse, my eyes started to blur. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get them to focus again. At first there was one Haru, then there was three, and then his hair and everything around him turned grey. After this, I couldn't even keep my head up, and then my eyes started to close on their own and everything became black.  
  
-Kaga Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
Hatori was carrying Kaga in his arms and I was carrying Haru as we both walked back to the house the party had been held in.  
  
Akito was grimacing and looked ready to rip the life out of anything that made the mistake of crossing his path.   
  
The worry must have been plain on my face when my gaze shifted from him to the girl lying asleep in my arms.  
  
It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest when I watched Haru try and defend Kaga, knowing that he was going to lose. I, myself, had never agreed with Akito's decision from the start, but my word meant nothing compared to his.  
  
From the expression on Hatori's face as he walked beside me, I could tell that he felt the same way. I looked at him, and he must have felt it, because he turned his head so his eyes would meet mine. We didn't dare speak to share our opinions, for not only was Akito within range to see us, but he could hear us as well.  
  
I looked down with pity at Kaga and then looked at Haru. Hatori looked at Haru as well and then looked at the sleeping child in my arms. Our eyes met again and he nodded. He knew it wasn't right.   
  
The whole incident must have been even worse for him. After all, he had seen Hatsuharu die and had been one of the ones right there after Kagura had passed as well. Akito must have been the only Sohma that thought they deserved the fate he had in store for them, because I knew everyone else felt as sorry for them as I did.  
  
-Shigure Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to be the one that had to sneak up behind Haru and sedate him before he could interfer with the capture of Kaga. In fact, that was the last thing I wanted to do, and this whole situation was the last thing I wanted to happen.  
  
I wanted both of them to be happy, to share a bond that me and Kana never could, to let their love grow and blossom. But Akito had other plans. It was true that Kaga would soon need a female role model to look up to, but she would be going to school in a few years. It wasn't that important yet. She didn't need to go live with Tohru. But I couldn't say anything. Akito's word was law.  
  
Besides, he wouldn't be around that much longer to deal it out anyway. His conditions had been progressively worsening, though he didn't want to admit it to himself, and would never admit it to anyone else.   
  
He had three years left. Four, tops. And then Kaga and Haru would be together again...If it wasn't too late.  
  
I couldn't help but feel sorry for the small child I held in my arms. He was so young. Too young to be experiencing such pain. And if Akito had it his way, there would be far more to come.  
  
-Hatori Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: Yes, Haru was supposed to call Kaga, "Kagara." In fact, he'll probably refer to her by that name every once in a while. Oh, and I edited some of this chapter as well. (Fell free to make comments about my mistakes or if something doesn't make sense, by the way. Thanks!) 


	27. Entry 27

A/N: After rereading this chapter, I was like. "Oh my God, it sucks! I don't even understand parts of it!" So, I decided to rewrite it. I added in little discriptions here and there, and hopefully made it a better chapter. That was a prime example of why I shouldn't write when I'm not fully inspired to.  
  
Kokoro no Hitan  
  
I woke up a few hours later in a cloud of pink...and I was totally disoriented. I searched the room with a confused mind and sight that seemed the same. I clutched the blanket I was under in tight fists as my eyes searched the room with blurry vision. I blinked a few more times, and then sense returned to my mind.  
  
I was in a bedroom. A girl's bedroom. Not mine. And one I had never been in before. I was puzzled, my confusion causing me to loosen my grip on the blanket a bit.  
  
And then a flood of memories poured into my head like a tidal wave.  
  
Haru...  
  
I was standing with the rough bark of a tree pressing into my back. Haru was yelling at the people slowly closing in around us. There was a sharp prick in my arm, I was lifted up into the air....All the images were blurred, one moment confusingly smeared into the next....I was in someone's arms. I could see Haru's limp form being held by another's...I screamed. There was a hand over my mouth...Then everything was black.  
  
With almost no sense of transition, I was flung back into the present. The room I had been brought to after this mess of memories took the place of the trees and open grass scattered with buildings that still floated around in my thoughts.  
  
I must have been crying. My hands were saturated with tears. "Haru...," I whispered.  
  
I tried swinging my legs over to the side of the bed and launching myself out of it. I needed to find Haru. I could feel the panic in me rising. But the sheets must have become entangled around my legs, because I fell onto the floor in a mess of pink fabric.  
  
"HARU!!" I screamed. And that was when I realized the tears hadn't stopped. They had truly only just begun, and would pour for as long as I held Haru in my memories and in my heart.  
  
-Kaga Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I bolted up into a sitting position. Something had startled me into becoming wide awake.  
  
I looked toward the doors in the room. I...I could have sworn I heard someone call my name...  
  
And then I fully took in my surroundings. Kaga?....  
  
The onslaught of memories and emotions that one word brought on was more that I could take. The tears flowed as freely as raindrops down a pane of glass.  
  
"Kaga..." I brought my hand up to shield my face. "No..." The tears just wouldn't stop Why does it hurt so much?...  
  
***  
  
After I cried myself dry, my eyes burning from the lack of moisture, I started thinking.  
  
I sat there, on my futon, my head resting on my knees, my arms wrapped around my legs, trying to think of a way to rip me and Kaga out of this mess.  
  
I've gotta think of something. I...I can't go on like this. I turned my head and laid my cheeck against my knees. There's gotta be something...  
  
The idea that struck my head then caused me to sit up with a start. That's it!  
  
-Haru Sohma  
  
~~~  
  
I sat on the bed and looked out the window all day after that.  
  
The person closest to the room ran in after hearing me fall and scream. It had been Kyo. He tried comforting me, helping me up, telling my everything would be alright, but I screamed that it wouldn't be, that it would never be, and pushed him away. The only person I wanted was Haru. The only person I ever wanted to be with was Haru. And they had taken him away. I hated all of them. I hated all of them for doing that.  
  
So I sat there, on that disgustingly pink bed, and watched the world pass by my window with unseeing eyes.  
  
At least for a while, anyway. A flicker of movement in the far corner of the backyard, amist some bushes, caught my eye, and the flash of white hair made my heart jump into my throat. Haru!  
  
I had to keep myself from jumping out the window, I was so excited. He came for me! He came for me!  
  
I jumped off the bed and ran down the stairs, then out of the closest door.  
  
I was outside. I ran in the direction my room had been facing.  
  
Haru was hiding, but his white hair gave him away. Beside that, as soon as he saw me, he nearly jumped out of his hiding place and ran toward me he was so happy to see me.  
  
As soon as he reached me he grabbed my hand and began to run in the opposite direction.  
  
"Come on, let's go! Let's get out of here!"  
  
I would have asked him, "To where?" but right then I didn't care. As long as I was with him, nothing else mattered. He was my one and only friend, the only family I ever had and the only person I loved. I'd do anything for him and anything to be with him. That was all that mattered. All that mattered was Haru, and anyone who wanted to come between us was one to be hated, and nothing more.  
  
-Kaga Sohma  
  
~~~ 


End file.
